Early Twenties WorthlessNess

The Filesharing Crisis Flow-Chart

2009-09-07T14:56:00.004-03:00

I am so sick of this shit I've been reading about all these lawsuits against torrent sites like ^----

(here's what I was reading: http://torrentfreak.com/the-pirate-bay-taken-offline-by-swedish-authorities-090824/ this is the shirt the kids who made it sent the companies that tried to stop them!!)

Here's the way I see it, and I don't think I'm wrong:

You're telling me that downloading songs or whatever off of the internet is illegal because someone did not pay for that digital content. You're mad because companies like Disney are only making millions instead of billions. I get that.

But I don't think you've really thought this lawsuit through, guys. From what I've been reading, your argument in court is that by downloading a song illegally from the internet, you have access to content that you didn't pay for - which means you aren't likely to buy the song legally since you already have it. (Wow, no brainer there.) So it's an issue of the prevention of purchase.

But why stop at torrents? By that logic, all my VCR tapes from the 90's are illegal. Stuff I taped off of TV? Mixed tapes I made friends? burned CDs that old boyfriends gave me? By your logic, if my best friend gives me a mix for my birthday, I have to pay for each song, even if she paid for them? If a movie gets a bad review, and that's the reason I don't go see it, is the reviewer responsible? Financially? I think not.

Granted, most of these examples are sort of out of date, but how is more modern DVR recording any different? If I tivo The Office this season, and I have it on my tivo box saved, I'm not gonna buy the DVDs any time soon, am I? No. But that's legal.

Unless I LOVE something, I'm NOT GOING TO BUY IT ANYWAY because I can watch most stuff on HBO or hulu or netflix, LEGALLY. So why is my Tivo box different from torrents? Why? Because you can ADVERTISE on Tivo. That's what it comes down to. Companies don't want to take down Tivo because it's also a revenue source for them through ads.

I say end this madness. If you keep filing these stupid lawsuits, like the RIAA kept doing, not only do you look like an asshole for fining some poor college kid $70,000 for downloading one album (I get it, you were trying to make an example out of him, but you just looked like bastards) but you also open up bad avenues if you win.

If you win, and torrents get stopped, two things will happen:

1. Someone with a law degree will notice that there's no difference between internet downloads and DVR, and it will snowball from there. Soon you'll have to give this up, or everything will be illegal that isn't a direct purchase from a retailer. THEN every company will suffer because no one that doesn't own a company has any money right now. WE ARE POOR, DISNEY. POOR. I'm sorry your stock dropped or whatever it is you're bitching about, but I just can't afford to buy a copy of your Miley Montana movie or whatshername. But I know that about a bahzillion kids did. It's not like you didn't make any money. Maybe if actors didn't get paid millions of dollars you could save some dough.

2. Smart people will just find another way to get shit for free.

Either way, you're wasting billions of dollars and huge amounts of time on a LOSING battle. People will always find a way to get around whatever rules you put in place, so why not ADAPT to the times, like Hulu did? Why not make more of your content available for free in a setting where you can also advertise new content? Why not use the power of the internet instead of fighting it? Your business models need to change. Because you can't turn off the internet altogether, and people will always share content. And the more you keep this up, the more you seem like stiff old Douchebags while you make stuff like hulu seem modern and cool.

I mean, you want to dig the hole for yourself? Go ahead. I left a shovel outside for you.

-Flap

Riddle me This.

2009-09-06T11:41:00.002-03:00

So I've noticed the last few days that my eyes have been absolutely red and bloodshot. I joke about it a lot, but I really don't smoke the chronic. Not my thing. So I'm wondering:

WTF is up with my eyes? Are they like rebelling against me for NOT smoking herb? Am I turning into a vampire or something from watching too much TrueBlood? What is happening to me? Am I dying? Am I overdramatic? Why, yes.

So here's a list of possible scenarios:

1. I'm secretly Le Chiffre from Casino Royale.

2. I have a weird version of that disease where you sleep eat, except I sleep smoke?

3. Someone played a pretty weird joke on me involving food coloring

4. My corneas are above an old Indian burial ground

5. I forgot that I put in color contacts but they disintegrated or something

Other theories welcome.

FlapperOut

-TheFlapper

I'd like to privately apologize.

2009-09-05T15:24:00.002-03:00

So I know some of you were wondering - is she being ironic with that post? Is she playing a joke on us?

No. The answer is that I was COMPLETELY hammered, and listened to this song literally 53 times. You how sometimes you have a go-to munchie food when you're *NOT* high? Well apparently Glee is my drunk fancy.

Glee is awesome. You should watch it, for realz. But I think you can spare yourself the crazy enthusiasm I employed this morning.

My B.

-Flapper

I saw Glee and I AM HOOKED

2009-09-05T07:42:00.002-03:00

seriously, for realz

It's so rare that EVERY TIME YOU LISTEN TO A SONG IT GETS BETTER

I'm an Entrepreneur! er, yeah?

2009-09-02T01:24:00.005-03:00

Today, I thought of the next big thing:

Sexual Harassment Insurance.

That's right, I said it. You read right. I think this would free up a lot of time. You wouldn't have to bother having lawyers come up with sexual harassment policies for the workplace, you wouldn't have to have those dumb seminars,

I hope you watched the video. I can never eat cheesecake again. Also do they realize they need some more punctuation? Stop Sexual Harassment Training For Employees makes me think they're an organization against employees being trained. Shouldn't it be something like Stop Sexual Harassment: Training ? I mean come on.

you could grab people's asses with no fear of consequence. I think everyone at your place of business could be a lot happier, freer, more like Real Topeka People, man, knowing that they have coverage should anyone find their comments or mannerisms totally effing inappropriate.

Think about it.

You could finally stop pretending you AREN'T staring at the hot chick a cubicle over's boobs. You could bring in your ice tray that makes penis shaped cubes. You could cat call in the hallways.

Basically, you could be back in college.

One time offer! For the low, low fee of ($amount to be determined later) YOU can be protected!

FlapperOut

-ThaFlapper

If I needed a room-mate.

2009-09-02T01:08:00.004-03:00

Today I was walking to the ice cream store (yeah. stfu.) and I was struck by an ad for a roommate. It had the usual accoutrements, requesting that applicants be female, employed petless nonsmokers. But it got me thinking how I would advertise if I needed a roomie. I think, something like this:

ROOMMATE WANTED (well, financially viable):

SWF early 20s seeking person to split rent and bills with. Right off the bat: I call big room. I call first shower-sies. That's non-NEGO-MY-EGO. Qualities that would be super awesome but won't break the bank if unattainable:

-Preferably a smoker. So you don't mind me doing it.

-Anorexia a plus, as you would be less likely to eat my food

-jobless, so you keep the house tidy while i'm at work!

-male, so i don't hate you

-ethnic. I like a little flavor. I'm very pale.

-semi-alcoholic. Same reason as smoking.

-training in either kung fu or statesmanship, as my PR rep has inexplicably up and quit as well as my bodyguard.

-petless. Can you imagine me with anything but fish?

-minimum IQ of 135. Or maximum IQ of 105. No in-betweensies. This is non-NEGO as well. I like to either verbally spar with you, or be entertained by your idiocy as I smile and clench my teeth to attempt not to laugh so hard I cry.

Looking forward to meeting you!

Yeah, I'll hold my breath on how many applications I would get for that. Oddly enough, I WOULD want to live with a person that honest about their quirks- er, I mean let's be honest, flaws.

This is why I live alone. hehe.

FlapperOut

-ThaFlapper

FLAPPER FINDS EMPLOYMENT!!

2009-08-28T00:11:00.003-03:00

Today, a day of days, Flapper got a job!!

Alas, I am still of the table-waiting persuasion - but now I'm not at TheBar, Dive of all Dives, but rather at a small Indian/Nepalese/Tibetan restaurant with a really cool staff and AMAZING food.

I might actually ENJOY working!

Is it weird that I'm so happy? I'm ec-frackin-static. I have no bitchy sarcastic remarks to make at the moment - I'm just elated to find employment, and moreover, a great job! Maybe I can pay back VISA now!!!! YESSSSSSSSS

I'm exhausted. I'm sure tomorrow I'll be back with something Worthless. No promises, though. I might ride out this happy wave.

FlapperOut

-ThaFlapper

QUICKSAND SEXINESS

2009-08-26T20:26:00.003-03:00

So last night TooBritToQuit and I were watching the NeverEnding Story because we're very secure with our inner children. We like to feed them morsels of Nostalgia frequently, and reap the benefits of brushing up on Childhood Morality Tales, such as, when bullies chase you, hide in dumpsters. Until they're really really gone.

Then we came to the scene where Atreyu loses Artax to the Sadness in the Quicksand. Now, I haven't seen that in years. If you've never seen it, here it is:

Rewatching this as a semi-Adult, I was immediately struck with an undertone of intense animal love. Like, the kind PETA doesn't approve of. I'm thinking, "man, the boy LOVES his horse. Like, lovesssss. Too much."

Putting that aside for a moment, because bestiality freaks me out to be honest, I'd like to focus on a novel concept that occurred to me: Quicksand Sex.

Quicksand Sex would be rediculous. Mostly because if you're in quicksand, you aren't supposed to struggle or you sink faster. Now imagine you're trying to bone!?!? You'd basically be able to gauge how good it was by how fast you sunk. I'm thinking this could be the next national pastime! Who can screw their way to the bottom! Sure, safety regulations would have to be put in place, an oxygen tank would be required, and there's a huge margin of error.

But Jesus, even you had a mishap...

Wouldn't that be literally going out with a bang?

Awesome. My only issue is that you couldn't have a smoke after, really. Love that post-coital.

I'm going to go work on some regulations and uniforms.

Stay Classy.

FlapperOut

-ThaFlapper

Social ANGSTiexties: Dreams Really Do Come True! Almost.

2009-08-25T16:46:00.004-03:00

Last night I had the extreme MisFortune to be out at a bar by myself surrounded with Prepps. I'm not really picky, I don't mind just sitting there alone. It doesn't make me fidget, and check my phone every three seconds to make sure I don't seem like a loser as SOME (by SOME I mean all) of the people in Hipsteria seem wont to do. I don't mind being alone. Most times, the company of myself is preferable to Company in general.

But then, there's that whole thing about me getting along really well with Dudes. So of course by the end of the night I've made friends with some people, because I'm scathing and sarcastic, and drunk people apparently find that funnier than sober people, who seem to hate it. Especially once they figure out I'm making fun of them, not laughing with them.

Anyway, so my two new buddies and I headed inside to finish our drinks at last call. The guys found some LAIDeez they'd been trying to f- I mean, trying to "date" earlier in the night, and invited them back over to their place (for legal reasons:) ***NOT*** to smoke some pot. Their potential victi- I mean, potential visitors' eyes brightened, clearly (for legal reasons:) ***NOT***excited by this offer. But then, the wild females exchanged a pre-arranged "this is the signal for 'we don't really know these guys, we haven't had enough to drink to screw them, so we should just try to extricate ourselves" glance and made polite excuses to take "a raincheck."

I found the whole thing fascinating! It was like watching a duo of wild jackals attempting to mate with two ostriches as their heads preferably remained buried, Nature's PotLuck DinnerDates going to a romantic dumpster for four.

But what I found even more fascinating: normally, during this kind of thing, whatever GuyFriend I'm with sort of expects me to excuse myself once my WingWomanShip is over, you know, after I assure the Ostriches that the Jackal is a totally UpStanding Guy, then I StopDropAndBail to let them take care of business. But last night, my friends actually paused, turned, and said, "Flap, obviously you're coming, too."

I was blown away. I'm actually sorry the LAIDeez said no, because I'm so curious to see what it would have been like to watch that play out. Something like the WildTourist coming upon the Ostrich/Jackal SexFest while on Safari and not knowing whether to stay and take pictures, or hop back in the golf cart and switch to the Magic Kingdom from the WildKingdom during their stay in Orlando.

Life, ah. Life.

FlapperOut

-ThaFlapper

so..errr...yeah.

2009-08-23T08:40:00.002-03:00

Chris Pine? You're adorable.

That's all :)

Flapper Out

-ThaFlapper

Why Bother, You Fucktard??

2009-08-22T03:13:00.004-03:00

So, about an hour ago my car got broken into. Or rather, I learned that my car got broken into an hour ago. Granted, Hipsteria is not known for it's lack of criminal element, but as a supporter of unorganized crime everywhere I do feel entitled to a free pass or four.

I walked to my vehicle, got inside, and quickly noted that everything from my dashboard was strewn across my front seat, the compartment between the seats was open, shit in general was DisArrayed.

But you know what FuckTard? The jokes on you. Because the only thing of value I have besides my car is my iPod, which died today. So I took it inside to charge. There was absolutely nothing to steal! All they did was go through my papers and CDs, none of which they took. I'm kind of insulted, there are some really good mixes in there. And moreover, if you break into a car, why not just hotwire it? Steal it, idiot! Even I know how to jump start a car. That means you are a total shithead. I mean, have the self respect to bash in my window or something since the only thing you saw fit to take was my $10 cigarette case with the logo "Someone had to set a bad example"

Well, FuckTard, YOU set a bad example for thieves everywhere. You should have taken SOMETHING, even if only to inconvience me. Take my headphones that were there, or even my registration so I have to wait in line at the DMV. Jesus, get creative.

God, people are idiots.

Flapper Out

-ThaFlapper

WTF

2009-08-20T20:17:00.000-03:00

So, I've been really, really bored lately. I just sit in my apartment all day and do nothing but watch Tivo. So I'm walking down the street and I hear this bitch:

"Like, he was really cute and all, but like all he wanted to do was like get high and drunk and go to strip clubs"

LIKE THAT'S A PROBLEM???

ohmygod, that sounds like so much fun to me.

Person, whoever you are? Whomever? whatever.

learn to love the bomb.

Guess What I'm Doing. Guess.

2009-08-19T21:49:00.004-03:00

Tonight, I'm going old school. I got a lead on a job this week, so I thought I celebrate by watching a film where 1000's of people die - you know, to remind myself of the good things in life, and give my own WorthlessNess some perspective. So, I of course chose drowning as my preferred method of life rEvaluation.

That's right. You're suspecting it, I know. It's true.

I'm watching Titanic.

Now before you get all, "But, Flapper, she does let go." let me just stop you there.

Technicolor is for bitches. I'm going old school, 1953, BLACK AND WHITE, BABY. Because all this technology we have to make stuff look more like real life is not what I need tonight. I need to feel the disbelief, not suspend it. I want bichromatic-cinematic, baby, no joke. Bring on Barbara Stanwyck and that other old guy! I'm rebelling against the status quo! I'm doing something no relatively young person ever does - I'm returning to the time of my grandparents and seeing it the way they saw it! I'm saying, "hey, digital HD, FUCK YOU, I DON'T NEED THIS KIND OF TECHNOLOGICAL ADVANCEMENT IN MY LIFE! WE WERE FINE WITHOUT IT! I CAN DO THIS! I CAN EXP -

oh, shit, my netflix online froze.

damn internet. there goes that plan. maybe my VHS of the James Cameron one still works.

FlapperOut

-ThaFlapper

What You NEED to be Watching

2009-08-18T22:32:00.004-03:00

Lil' Flapper told me about this show, Party Down. It's got everyone Rob Thomas has ever put on TV (awesome people, including Jason Dohring, my favorite man alive), Paul Rudd produces it, it's absolutely hysterical. It's JUST cringe-worthy enough to make you not need to turn it off, but still get the effect.

Watch at least three episodes, and if you don't almost pee your pants when the American flag gets burned FOR Arnold Schwarzenneger (I can't spell that, can you?), then just watch this:

Party Down: Now My Shirt Smells Like Pot - The funniest movie is here. Find it

Party Down. Watch it. You need to.

Flapper Out

-TheFlapper

Mini-post (come on, I already posted today) while watching Prince Caspian even though it Sux.

2009-08-17T19:35:00.002-03:00

Ben Barnes is seeeeeeeeeeeeexxxxxxxxxx-yyyyyyyy.

That's all.

Flapper Out, Needs a Smoke and a cold shower.

-ThaFlapper

Miiiiiiiiiiiiopic Entropy

2009-08-17T13:04:00.002-03:00

Do you ever find yourself wondering why you do what you do? Say what you say? Blog what you blog?

This morning I was having a great time playing Wii tennis (because I prefer virtual to reality...less human interaction, less potential for lawsuits, etc. Less gross guy hair I have to see) So anyway, I love my Wii. It's the only reason I get the news, or know the weather (because I DO NOT DO outdoors), or get any exercise. I am just NOT a social butterfly, I like to be inside, in my own space, with only my electronics for company. Because of this, most days I am pretty happy, really. My video games occasionally kill me or whatever but they always let me try again.

Miis from other Wiis (doesn't that sound cool? Miis from other Wiis!) can come play with mine and mingle and shit. The reason I like this is because it's social interaction through an avatar, you know? I have the shield where I don't have to do shit, just this little digital Me can come over to your house to play without me getting off of my ass. It's a beautiful thing. So imagine my despondency when I went to the Mii channel, where they play, and there were NO MIIS FROM OTHER WIIS.

If I have no friends in WiiLand, that's a little too much reality for me. I'm going to need one more layer of removal please. Like Second Second Life. Seriously. Preserve the distinction.

FlapperOut

-ThaFlapper

P.S. - can your Miis come play with MyMiis?

Megan, I Promise to Go See Jennifer's Body at least 3 Times. Because Your PSA was FRIGGIN AWESOME.

2009-08-16T12:13:00.000-03:00

Guys, Megan Fox recently became awesome. So awesome it hurts.

Yes, in Transformers she was the hot chick, and nobody really saw past that. But that's okay, because that was not the point of the movie. I am SO EXCITED for Jennifer's Body. It's by Diablo Cody, it stars Megan Fox and Amanda Seyfried (who is awesome) and I hear Adam Brody has a part, which makes me soooo happy I need a bottle to Howard Hughes it up since I won't want to leave the theater under ANY circumstances. Here's the trailer. GO NUTS.

I PROMISE. 3 times. IT IS GOING TO BE SOOOOOO GOOD.

Flapper Out

-ThaFlapper

Cinder-ella!!!

2009-08-15T13:50:00.004-03:00

So, I'm back. For real this time. I had to move into my new apartment, but I'm all settled in now and back to my usual inadequacy.

Today's business:

Last night, I swear to God, I saw a bumble-bee fly into the cement wall of my apartment. I thought it was pretty funny, mostly because I'm an asshole, but also because that MOFO's great grandpa or something stung the crap out of me when I was 7. I never forgive a grievance.

As if that wasn't bad enough, it then ran into the wall directly across the alcove, bounced off that, and smashed into the OTHER wall. I mean this is one masochistic bee. It kept at it for like 10 minutes. I was laughing my ass off.

Then I realized, I was on my cell phone. Somebody told me that thing about the bees getting confused and forgetting where their queen is when they cross a cell signal.

It was not as funny when I felt bad for the bee, and, like sort of responsible.

But it was a little funny.

Flapper Out

-ThaFlapper

How I Met Your Mother is the new "Friends"

2009-08-04T15:45:00.004-03:00

I was going down memory lane with Season One of Friends today. I forgot how creative and hysterical that show was, first off. But then I realized that I was too young when it was on the air to relate to ANYTHING that was happening on the show, I just liked it because I have deep rooted fantasies about Matthew Perry that are of a HIGHLY sexual nature. I didn't know what that feeling was at the time, since I was like, 12, but now I totally understand why I REALLY wanted to watch Friends every week.

Now that I'm in my twenties, I can definitely understand more of what's happening EMOtionally and crap like that. But in the immortal words of Sarah Jessica Parker, "I couldn't help but wonder" - where the frack is the bar? These are twenty-somethings in New York City, and the most I ever see is a casual glass of wine in the comfort of their ridiculously large loft that would cost thousands of dollars a month even WITH rent control. Where is THE BAR?

And that's when I realized: Central Perk, the coffee shop they're always at? That's the 90's version of MacLaren's from How I Met Your Mother, the bar they're always at getting hammered. HIMYM is the new definitive half-hour sitcom. Like Friends, it's set in New York, it's twenty-somethings, it's a comedy, and it's got really tall men and short really thin women.

But HIMYM has the benefit of coming along ten years later, when Standards and Practices allows the main set of a show to be at a bar (well, I guess Cheers kinda started that one) and lets the show infer people having sex all the time without having to pan to a friggin' candle or window like it's a Film Noir from the 50's. Like we don't know what they're doing. Like we don't know that THAT IS A SEX WINDOW, SIR, THAT IS A SEX WINDOW. Jeez.

So I'd just like to say, THANK YOU to carter bays and that other guy, for giving me what all my babysitters had while I was growing up into the fine paragon of virtue and conformity you read before you: a show that completely encapsulates my life and yet unrealistically makes everything seem like it's going to be okay. And THANK YOU SO MUCH for MacLarens - I don't know ANYONE that wouldn't want to hang out there with the gang from HIMYM.

Thank you for giving me yet another reason to find my friends inadequate.

Flapper Out

-ThaFlapper

P.S. HeWhoShallNotBeFramed - don't worry. The events of last week WILL be blogged about. I'm still transcribing...

Barnes and No-Bull

2009-07-31T15:13:00.005-03:00

So this week I was being lame. You're probably used to it, my scatterbrained, erstwhile, semi-regular lapses in WorthLessNess recording. Deal. This week I have some Immaculate Recession Suggestions for a few stores that were unlucky enough to receive my patronage.

The first to take the cake-walk to the FlapperFiringSquad is: Barnes and Noble.

Here's my first issue with these people: you JUST started not charging for WiFi in your store. There are local non-corporate coffee houses in Hipsteria that have had free internet for years. Who are you kidding? I'm sorry, does Gore own some stock of yours? What, he wants to keep "his" internet to himself? You selfish bastards. I mean, seriously, you have like a little frackin' cafe with sandwiches and drinks and the coffee and mag-aRag-a-loid racks. You seem like you want people to bring their laptops and drink your Starbucks, but they have to pay for their internet? That seems a little selfishly retarded to me, which is Highly Different from being regular selfish or even retardedly selfish by at least a factor of Ten. If you want me to hang out here, then you can't charge me for wanting to be on hulu. Just don't frack with me, do you understand? No. Because you're an Entity with a Corporate Visage.

Anyway. So I bring my little MacBookPro (SHAMELESS APPLE PLUG: "I'm a Mac!" because I think Justin Long is sexyCool!) and I sit my PhAtAss down with a Frappacino to start my work typing for the day.

Wait, backup. The Great Incident of the Frappacino is upon us.

The G.I.otF is this:

As I wait in line for the carousel ride that is choosing a beverage with more options than HSX.com has to offer in their simulated "Stock Market," I carefully count out my last three dollars. My drink is $3.50, so I dig around in my purse's dark recesses and come up with about .70 in change. I think to myself, what's sales tax, like, 2 percent? Cool, I'm good. Juuuuust slid by that disaster. Sweeet. It's going to be a FrapTastic Day at the B&N.

Wrong.

"Hey, can I get a caramel frappacino, the little one that's cheap?" (Flap says, as she meagerly extends her precounted money towards the Barista in a Dickensian Oliver Twist, 'please, sir, I'd like some more' timid fashion)

"Would you like to make that a Grande for .50 cents more?"

...

(Insert long pause here, as I look deep into the Barista's eyes to see if he's trying to start some shit with me. Cause I will Frack his shit UP if he's making fun of me for not having any money.)

...

(I decide, no, he's just stupid and insensitive.)

"Um...(gestures with coins to, again, indicate FinancialSituation) no, just the cheap one."

"Would you like a chocolate chip cookie? (That's got even more sugary sweetness than my shit-eating grin?)

...

(Really? We're doing this jig Again?)

...

"so...no, I'm still cool with the frap."

(I'm thirsty you bastard. I can taste the sweet caramel you are keeping hostage from me with your tiresome corporate mandated questions that take forever.)

"And are you a Member here at Barnes and Noble?"

(At this point, ThaFlapper is literally salivating for her Frapp. And contemplating how many more questions this frackker can ask before either she's legally allowed to slit his throat with a B&N gift card, or he becomes the voice recording on the VistaSupport hotline that makes you type in your account number and make and model before directing your call, only to have whatever associate in India you get a hold of ask you all over again, and not take kindly to jokes about rickshaws being called "Curry-cles" if this were a perfect world)

"No. I am not really that into Public Memberships of any kind."

"That'll be $3.80."

Fuck. A dime short, after all that. If it had been witty, and more banter-like than slow-drip torture, this could have been a cute-meet. DAMN YOU, HIPSTERIA! Damn yOUR SALES TAX BEING SO HIGH! DAMMMNNN YOU!!!!!!!!

A frightening calm washes over me.

So, I pull out my credit card, realizing that I could have Grande-fied my Frap, or added that cookie. I could have had it all. (Insert Whitney Houston lyrics, "Didn't we almost have it all? sans BobbyBrown, here) And paid for it later through the miracle of Visa technology, helping struggling unemployed ex-barmaids go into debt since 1956.

Then, this little bastard has the nerve to stare at me and roll his eyes because it took me a minute to get my wallet out.

REALLY? YOU CAN TAKE 17 HOURS TO ASK ME INNANE QUESTIONS BUT I CAN'T HAVE THIRTY FRIGGIN SECONDS TO GRAB MY DEBT-CARD? YOU SIR, ARE A HIPPO-CRETE. THAT's A HYPOCRITE WITH AN ASS AS BIG AS A HIPPO AND A BRAIN LIKE A CRETEN. I HATE YOU.

Oh well, at least I'll never have to hear this guy ask me another question, I think to myself.

Then, as if the death-rattle to my FrappedSoul,

"Would you like whip-cream on that?"

GGGGGGAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRR EGADDDDDDDDDDDDDD! DDDDDAAAAAAMMMMMMMMMMNNNNNNNNNNNN!

{thus endeth The GIotF}

So, that was my afternoon. Other highlights included the GrannyLady sitting next to me almost falling off of her chair when her cellphone went off, blasting the PussyCatDolls. That was awesome. This woman was like, 95 and her ringtone is "Don't you wish your gf was hot, like me?" That'll break some hips! I mean, hearts.

Admit it.

You kinda missed me.

eMa(i)levolence

2009-07-23T20:55:00.006-03:00

So, something brief today. I had something pretty hysterical happen. I got an email from someone I didn't know, not a forward, just addressed to me. It had a picture of a cute baby in it. So I'm like "aww. cute. I guess. If you're into that." and I didn't think much more about it.

Then today, I got another one. I noticed in the "to" box, it had NOT my name. Let's say my email was Jane.Doe@gmail.com? And his was JohnSmith@gmail.com? He was trying to reach Jane.Smith and somehow typed in Jane.Doe. But our last names literally have only one letter in common, so it was a hard mistake to make, and took some skill, I believe. If you're sending an email to a family member, shouldn't you be aware of what their last name is, first off? But let's assume that isn't the issue for a moment.

One cute baby picture, sure okay. But I didn't want this to turn into like a regular thing. I mean I can only take so much CuteBaby without recalling AllyMcBeal and several nightmares of UGHACHUCKA. So, I wrote back a polite, "Hey I think you have the wrong email - this is Jane Doe." (obviously I don't want you fuckers to know my email address. Can you blame me?)

The best part?

The guy emailed me back one word:

"What?"

Yeah. He emailed me back "what?" like I'm making it up, or like pranking him or something. I'm guessing, given the fact that he was trying to reach someone with his OWN LAST NAME, they're close enough that he might be in cellular contact with them, and might say, "did you get CuteBabyPic?" and get a NEGATIVE on that one. But no. He needs to email me back, "What?," like I'm friggin retarded or something. (I sort of am, but HE doesn't know that.)

I was trying to rationalize all this...why? who? what? WTF? Then, I noticed a little automated post script in the email, and I forgave John.Smith, because I now understand completely. It said:

Sent from my iPhone.

A Proposal By Any Other Name Would Be As Dumb

2009-07-22T20:18:00.000-03:00

So, BoyFriend and I were out in downtown Hipsteria the other night, taking a stroll, gettin' some delicious 'Za from our HipsteriaPizzaRia when we noticed something...rather odd. Amidst the squalor of carnies and tourists, a group of semi-rational looking people undid their normalcy by holding bunches of roses tied in ribbon so polyester that Lisa Turtle would break out in hives just looking at it. These Warriors4Matrimony were in league to aid in the proposal of a friend to his LadyFriend. The setup was this:

As LadyFriend sits and waits at a semi-fancy restaurant outside with a glass of wine, strangers bear the PolyRoses to her from her beloved, coerced into taking the flowers to LadyFriend by the awkwardness of non-familiar social situations and lack of practice saying no to people who don't look like they literally work for peanuts.

This is where they really lost me. Obviously I'm not one for matrimony...I don't think it really helps many relationships unless there is a foundation more solid than our generation's attention span has the capacity to form. But trying to be objective, I can understand BigRomanticGestures. I'm a mental romantic, after all, I just reject the realistic aspect of it in favor of keeping romance fantasy - in order to avoid being disappointed, just like all healthy sociopaths, right? Of course Right!

Anyways, when I looked at the setup for this proposal, my eyes saw a woman alone at a table, feeling very awkward that all these strangers were walking up to her handing her roses. Her table was FULL of them. But she was alone. I could understand a really well-timed three or four roses, followed instantly by her future PersonOfLegalObligation to quickly question that pop. (Flip that?) But she was just sitting there...embarrassed, and alone.

I thought about it all day.

If I were EVER going to consent to a horrifyingly permanent arrangement, I don't think I'd want to be asked in public. And it seems to me that the novelty would wear off after two or three roses...you'd sort of figure out what was going on, and it might ruin it. Maybe it's just me. I know most of what I believe about life and love isn't mainstream or FDA approved. It doesn't mean I'm wrong about this one. A guy leaves you alone with a bunch of flowers, I get the impression our marriage won't include a lot of time together, though the house will smell nice. More like the telegram couple, the call when I'm missing dinner couple, the one-night-off a week couple.

I don't know them. I could be WAY off base...

But when BoyFriend and I walked by twenty minutes later, no one was at that table, and the roses were gone.

Who knows if she said yes, or not? It really doesn't matter in a specific way. But I'm still thinking about it, in the way thoughts drag their feet behind you waiting until you're about to trip.

-ThaFlapper

Well, just FandanGO AWAY.

2009-07-21T14:01:00.000-03:00

So as I mentioned yesterday, TooBritToQuit and I went to see Harry Potter. Of course, it was sold out. Amidst waiting in line for the tickets to the next showing, we were DELIGHTED by two LOVELY, CHARMING, AMIABLE, INTELLIGENT bimb- I mean, young ladies.

LCAIB-YL1: Oh my God!

LCAIB-YL2: Oh my God!

LCAIB-YL1: I know.

[Attendant: Next!]

LCAIB-YL2: Hi, yeah, hi. We have two Fandango tickets.

Attendant: Great, can I have the card?

LCAIB-YL1: She doesn't have the card, its her mom's.

Attendant: Do you have the confirmation number?

LCAIB-YL1: No, we don't have that. Can't you just pull up our names?

Attendant: I'm really not supposed to do that. The information is confidential, and since your ID won't match the name on the card...there's not really anything I can do.

LCAIB-YL2: How were we supposed to know that?

Attendant: There's, um, actually a confirmation screen when you print your tickets that says you MUST bring the credit card or the printed tickets...

LCAIB-YL1: No there wasn't!

LCAIB-YL2: Like, seriously, there was nothing like that.

Attendant: I'm very sorry, I just can't do anything without the card or the confirmation number. I can't pull up your tickets without one of those.

LCAIB-YL1: So what are we supposed to do? Just, like NOT see the movie? Like, I mean, what do you suggest?

Attendant: I really do apologize for the inconvenience.

LCAIB-YL2: Does that help us see Harry? God, are you just, like, this mean to everyone? I mean, are you, like, enjoying keeping us out?

Attendant: I'm not keeping you out, I assure you. I'm not enjoying this anymore than you are.

LCAIB-YL1: So what do you want us to do?

ThaFlapper[shouting]: LEARN TO FRIGGIN READ, MINIBOTS, AND GET THE FRACK OUT OF MY PATH TO POTTER! NOW! BEFORE I GO HEAVIER-THAN-THOU ON YOUR DUMB ASSES AND BOUNCE YOU BACK TO PRESCHOOL! MOVE ITTTTTT!

And as I pulled my Katana-Wand from my sleeve, cleverly disguised as a cigarette holder, I SectumSempra'd their tiny little pre-rexic asses in the name of all that is holy, all that is Harry, and all that is holding back people from behaving like idiot moron-robots. Thanks, reality TV. You and your friggin shows about rich teenagers being professional bitches has infected our youth, and given them the silly impression that they TOO are rich, or bitchily employed. WAY TO GO. It was like a goddamn Brooklyn diva Duo with accompaniment from Winds of Whortune. Jesus. I wanted to light a cigarette just to push it through a time ripple and singe their futures.

I tipped the guy at the box office. Is that weird?

-ThaFlapper

One Rocking Chair Away From Patheticism

2009-07-20T01:07:00.000-03:00

Yeah, yeah, I'm back. Don't get too excited, I just needed to work out some post-grad issues. I did that "my not getting out a bed for many, many moons and rewatching all of Family Matters and AHHH Real Monsters" thing. I thought "Steve Urkel for my insecurites, AHH Real Monsters for my inner monstrostitute." And, I feel better. Albeit foolish.

So last night I went to see Harry Potter. I promised I wouldn't go the first week because WARNER BROS. ARE ASSHOLES for holding it six months, but I couldn't take it anymore. I've been waiting for that movie for friggin' ever and my dumbass friends wouldn't stop talking about it. Ergo, vow broken. (See why I'm not the marrying kind?)

Okay, sos anyways, at Harry Potter I noticed something pretty badass. There's this scene of Malfoy in front of a tapestry, that just happens to be a replica of The Unicorn in Captivity unless my Art History Education has failed me. And if you know what that is, you are frackin awesome. If you don't, head's up:

Yeah, doesn't look like so much, right? Wrong. This shit is really, really cool. And it was even cooler 500 years ago. Look at it closely. That tree is a pomegranate tree, a symbol that appears in so many religions it's insane. In Greek myth, Persephone ate pomegranate seeds in the Underworld, symbolizing the ties of marriage. It was one of Buddha's three blessed fruits. In Judaism, it's often argued that the fruit on the Forbidden Tree was a pomegranate and not an apple. The Quran says the Garden of Paradise has pomegranates. Ect, ect. So one symbol that's not even at the forefront of the thing involves fertility and rebirth/resurrection. At a movie raging with the resurrection of Voldemort, and the raging hormones of Harry, Ron, and Hermoine. AWESOME. Then there's the Unicorn as a salvific symbol and emblem of courtly love. At a movie about Harry as a savior, and hooking up without consummation. Just thought that was really cool. History lesson over.

So, David Yates and Stephanie McMillan? You guys are NOT Worthless.

Bravo.

Anyways. I watched Annie Hall today for the first time. And I've never been so depressed in my life. That movie was amazing, but it made me feel like there is no point to humanity, because regardless of the choices we make everything will turn out terribly. BoyFriend told me not to worry, it's just Woody Allen. But I like Woody Allen. He takes what I'm thinking and twists it into the most socially unacceptable comment possible. I love him. I completely get the whole thing from Mia Farrow's place. Woody was pretty damn adorable back in the day. (And am I the only one who notices that Jason Dohring has a similar face? YUM.) Anyways, I did the only thing I could think of.

I went electronics shopping.

Life's not so bad, right?

...er, I can pretend.

-ThaFlapper

How To Make Your Friends Stop Being Annoying.

2009-07-11T17:25:00.001-03:00

So, it's that time of Summer in Hipsteria where it's so hot that minute, seemingly innocuous personality defects transcend the level of normal flaw to character failure of Epic ProPortion. This phenomenon of heat-induced flaw magnification (or as I hereby dub it, TheDoubleFoil-er)

of course only applies to your friends, never yourself. I myself am beyond reproach, kind of like how when I'm the pedestrian I have the right-of-way, and when I'm driving, the pedestrians better fucking wait their turn.

It all started with Mauve...

1. TheMauvePIMP-er-nell

Mauve has been sort of an InvisiBastard lately. Graduated, and ran away quickly like any person in Hipsteria would do. But that kind of left me, his pseudo-sister, without anyone to entertain me. (Fail, Sir. Fail.) I finally convinced him to visit, albeit under guise of celebrating a national holiday that doesn't really exist. I mean, it's not like the fourth of July COMMEMORATES anything, right? So, the heat combined with my Abandonment Issues to form a DoubleFoil-er in the form of Mauve's REALLY FRACKIN ANNOYING TEXTs.

You know those people? Those people that are really well spoken and eloquent, but for some reason insist on texting like a 12 year old girl? I have found the perfect solution: DO IT BACK TO THEM, AND DO IT HARD. Example:

TheMauvePIMP-er-nell: Im fer sher commin dwn this weekend!

ThaFlapper: Lolz ur s0 kewl 2 nt typ rght

TheMauvePIMP-er-nell: omgeeez tots obvi!!!11!1!!

shit. he retorted. gotta bring it.

ThaFlapper: s0 lk wut tyme u thk ull b hr?

no response. Got him.

...and so it goes! He was so annoyed by my texting style that we didn't even talk until he got into town! THAT, chillen's, is HOW IT'S DONE.

2. TooBritToQuit

The last few weeks, TooBritToQuit has been really busy losing her phone and listening to mean messages. I got super tired of leaving "I swear to god I will come murder you if you don't come get drunk with me" on her voicemail. So naturally, I was slightly annoyed when after a week of NoContact, someone I don't know answered her phone. In my mind, that is a declaration of war. It's one thing not to hang out with me. It's ANOTHER to HAVE OTHER PEOPLE.

I'm ThaFlapper. I had to FuckSomeShitUp. So when this PersonOfAwfulness answered I left TBTQ a NEW message:

"Oh, yeah, can you just ask her if she wants to watch some porn tonight while we get drunk? Tell her I made sure there's minimal girl-on-girl, but of course it's not completely lesbian free."

You couldn't count the clicks with a metronome. But TBTQ called me RIGHT BACK. And we actually did watch some porn, come to think of it.

So, basically, the plan is: When the heat starts to DoubleFoil you, and everyone's flaws seem like claws, take their defects, EMBELLISH the hell out them, and do them back to the person.

Drawback: you may not have friends anymore.

-ThaFlapper

FRIGGIN A', MAN, I'VE GOT A BEVERAGE HERE!

2009-07-08T16:28:00.000-03:00

Hey.

Yesterday, I graduated college.

I'm not, like, making a big deal about it.

Even though I'm in a darkened room in my pajamas at 4:30pm playing video games and watching whole seasons of CHUCK as I drink beer out of a batman cup, alone.

Yeah, I'm fine.

Really.

-ThaFlapper

P.S. I'll be back after a 48hour post-graduate detox. Which means, I'm going to sort out my new status by getting wasted and playing my Wii, because therapists are for people with money. Netflix is for people with free time.

ACTS OF CIVIL DISOBEDIENCE: WHEN THE SAINTS GO MARCHING IN...

2009-07-05T22:16:00.003-03:00

-THAFLAPPER

Does anyone know how to html embed a banana cream pie? I want to throw it at FACEBOOK.

2009-07-03T10:00:00.002-03:00

So I realize that Facebook is the devil. But I remember when it was a relatively innocuous online facebook for colleges so you could remind your friends of events and keep connected over email in groups, etc. It started getting popular right as I was coming into the Freshman class, and since I got early admission, I had my college account when I was still in High School. I was like, the coolest person ever. Someone would be like, "Hey, have you heard from "X" that graduated last year?" and I'd be like, "well, come think of it, yes I have." Yeah. Cool. That's my middle name. Anyways, point made. Facebook was cool, exclusive, and relatively ad-free.

Then the High Schoolers jumped on board. That meant catering to a whole new audience of little TinyFuckingTweeners whose older siblings were tired of them hacking their Facebook accounts and couldn't think of more creative passwords than the name of their siblings followed by sux. And that meant Mark Zuckerberg probably started thinking, "Hey. I should sell them stuff."

Down the rabbit hole, it went from there.

Then, they let EVERYONE join. Didn't we have myspace for that? Even then, it was okay because it didn't have all those ridiculous background pages and embedded music you COULD NOT FRIGGIN TURN OFF, or naked ads. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with European advertising, but most of that at least presumes to have some taste. If I see one more low-class, trailer park half ass attempt on the isohunt side bar for me to meet "HOT chk 'n ur area" then I'm gonna go ASSassin on their asses. Facebook was exempt from the rabble, still.

Until.

THE SELL OUT.

Mark Z. : hey, you know what would be awesome?

Facebook: What! lolz

Mark Z. We should try to tank myspace!

Facebook: OMG ur so smart!

Mark Z: you are so well programmed. I don't even NEED real people.

Facebook: that's what I'm wired for!

Mark Z: hmmm. So what were the most annoying parts of Myspace? We need to isolate and replicate so everyone who has accounts at both places will stop checking their myspace!

Facebook: Mark, you make me so whorny.

Mark z: not now, Face.

Facebook: sorry.

You get the idea. (Wow, I basically just made Facebook porn in my head. Sorry.)

So now, we have FaceSpace, the place where old men can look at drunk pictures of young girls at frat parties WITHOUT having to pay 9.99 a month for unlimited access and subsidiary access to HotAzianAssez. ISN'T THIS STILL AMERICA? DON'T WE STILL HAVE A MORAL OBLIGATION TO ENSURE THAT PORN SITES ALL OVER THE COUNTRY ARE NOT LOSING MONEY IN THIS TOUGH ECONOMY? DON'T THE PORN WEBMASTER DUDES HAVE FAMILIES TO FEED? DON'T THEY, TOO, NEE hahahhaa sorry I can't keep going it's too absurd. No Porn Webmaster guys have families. But 18 year old girls, legal adults, who want to make some cash working their junk? Who cares? And now, for the simple price of your soul, honor, dignity, and free time - we can get all that from Facebook. And ironically the only people left on MySpace are strippers and guys looking for strippers. Oh, and some Russian wives for sale.

Mark Z., you son of a bitch, it worked.

Flapper out, I gotta go check my Facebook Profile. (kidding.)

No but really.

-ThaFlapper

ARE YOU SERIOUS? Thursday 2

2009-07-02T01:00:00.000-03:00

This one is sooooooooo good.

Last Friday a man at an Oregon McDonalds actually called the police because he felt the cashier had robbed $8 from him by not filling his order properly.

This 23 year old paragon of patience, intelligence, and affability, namely Jeremy Lloyd Martin, CONTINUED calling 9-1-1 after being warned that he could potentially be arrested for misusing 9-1-1:

COP: You wanna go to jail?

JLM: uh, yeah...send a cop.

Calling AGAIN, he was asked to take it up with the manager. Calling AGAIN, JLM declared he was ROBBED for $8 bucks, and to send a cop immediately.

LADY COP: If you continue calling 9-1-1, you will be arrested for misuse.

JLM: Well, arrest me at 82nd and Sunnyside Road, please send a cop right now. I swear to God, on my life...you cannot tell me I can call 9-1-1 and not get a cop right here.

But hey, don't take my word for it. You can listen to it right here:

My favorite part is his friends laughing in the background. Normally, I'd go with wasted - but seeing as this occurred early Friday rather than late Thursday night, I'm going to have to guess "Parrrrrty at bar turns into stripclub turns into hanging out with strippers after hours smoking weed turns into munchie time on the drive home the next morning." BRAVO.

And my favorite, favorite part? It happened in a place called CLACKAMUS COUNTY. I'd like to give a shout out to the fine officers of CLACK-C PD, you handled this admirably :)

As for JLM:

Clack on, sir, Clack on.

-ThaFlapper

Meat cleavers are for Nazis.

2009-07-01T09:39:00.004-03:00

This summer, I thought it would be really cool to wrap-up my college career with a screenwriting class. You know, something to fall back on for when my poetry career doesn't have me drinking Dom with Diddy every night of the week. Poets are soooo infamous...

I thought, hey Flapp, we're finally going to tap into that dormant genius. Let's show that 9th grade Feminazi english teacher who said you had the prose, but no place to put it. Let us SHOW HER WHERE TO PUT IT! LET US PRE-ADDRESS AND STAMP THE LETTER OF APOLOGY SHE WILL BE WRITING ME. I will also be including a sample apology that reads:

Dear Flapp,

It constantly haunts me that I, a teacher of grade ninthers, dared give you, master of all that is extraspecial, any kind of critique. All I can offer in my defense is that my pseudo-lesbian attitude lethally combined with my FemiNazihood to produce what should be referred to as "Pen Envy." I have been punished for my audacity; my kind and generous lover of many years, a kind man named Radonto, left me for another man who runs a manastary in Verona. To make matters worse, I now live with a Female Butcher in Long Beach who weighs six-hundred pounds and uses me as a meat cleaver, then loofah, respectively. I hope that one day you can find it in your heart to absolve me my crimes, and write with the wrath of God, and the soul of Billie Holiday.

Regretfully,

FemiNazi

Of course, it doesn't have to say that exactly. But it better be close.

Yet, despite such strong compulsion, I CAN'T FRIGGIN WRITE THE DAMN THING.

I have it planned out. I know what I want each scene to sound like, look like, feel like. I can practically taste the thing. But it isn't coming out onto the page - most likely because it isn't about how much my life sucks. Here I am writing more creatively about a 600lb. Butch-Er than I can manage to do in my screenplay. I think my Chi is blocked or something.

By the way, what the fuck is a Chi? How do you block it? Because I think mine may have been double-parked. I'm actually sitting here asking myself the question, "wait...did I forget shower today? hmmm...did I shower yesterday? ohhhh, nooooo."

Screenplays are no joke. But this is:

Two screenplays sit in a doctor's office. One screenplay looked over at the other screenplay who was clearly about to be greenlit and asks with awe, "Why are you here?"

The second screenplay responds, "I screwed my producer...but it was descript."

Hahaha. SCRIPT. haha get it? probably not.

I hate my life.

-ThaFlapper

American Idolotry

2009-06-30T03:47:00.000-03:00

After a tenuous three-hour sojourn in the land of Benadryl-induced sleep, I awoke with a sudden start to find myself an unwilling audience to a silent symphony of technology. My eyes, squinting at first, attempted to slowly adjust before I realized the only lights in the room were an eerie blue...the light of my bluetooth card, in operatic morse code against the constant blue of my speakers defended one corner of the room, shooting perturbed stares at the overworked blue of my wii disc drive, a cerulean ember fading and glowing with the task of reading about my inadequate forays into the realm of LEGO Batman. After hours of rampantly violent excursions from Arkham Asylum robbing banks while making those tiny little LEGO cops literally burst piece-by-piece into oblivion (because why would you want to play Batman when you could play the Joker?), an impotent peace had settled over me that only springs from the eternal hope that one day I, too, can die a death of Lego-like honor. A strange balance of digital cyan errupted when I discovered that low and behold, the battle raged on besides my bed in the form of my external hard drive, rhymically pulsing as it feeds the movie storage that is my life's blood to my laptop via USB. What be these shadows up to as I sleep? And why didn't I think to buy more batteries for my blue lightsaber so that I could join in the in the muted shrieks of color!?!??

As if on cue, my old box fan from dorm days erupted into a steady drone as if shouting, "SHUT THE FUCK UP, YOU WAXER OF INDIGO, YOU MELODRAMATIC MURMURER OF INEPTITUDE!" And that's really when you know your life is sad, when you have conversations with entities that only penetrate electrical sockets.

So, what does all my stuff do when I toss and turn like tonight? I imagine that they laugh about what a silly wench it is that leaves all that kind of crap on to run up the electricity bill when she lost her job recently. But you know what? That kind of laziness takes years to perfect. And, in my own defense, there's something comforting about waking to a world where I do not have to restart my wii just to release some villainous tension. I do not have to wait the staggering 4 WHOLE SECONDS that it takes my external to register as connected. People, that time adds up. That's almost 30 seconds a day I save by leaving my technology in a state of non electric-blue-interruptus. Just because I waste the other 23 hours, 59 minutes, and 30 seconds is no reason to think that those 30 seconds could not at some point become my raison detre, that those 30 seconds could over time accrue to the benefit of curing cancer as I smoke mentholated cigarretes, simultaneously complaining that my hands smell like an Ashy-Larry crack tin. I am truly a woman of complexity.

ThaFlapper: I had the American Idol dream again last night.

TooBritToQuit: Jason Alexander hosting again?

ThaFlapper: no, the guy who plays Dexter.

TooBritToQuit: Hot.

ThaFlapper: um, yes? who DOESN'T want to be made to sing by that guy. I ended up singing "red, red wine" and, er...the dream took on a less PG turn.

TooBritToQuit: my life is less good for not having that dream.

ThaFlapper: anh, you can have it. This time. Next time I'm keeping it.

Back to sleep for me, to dream of Sugar-Plum Ben&Jerries and count creeps hopping the proverbial fence, one by one, two by two...hands of blue. I gotta stop falling asleep to Firefly.

This is not a tribute to MJ. If you want to be one of "those people" go join the Masses on Amazon.com buying his discography.

2009-06-26T12:03:00.004-03:00

However, yesterday at BarOfChoice WAS a tribute to MJ. It was again karaoke night, the greatest of challenges to not enjoy.

Last night was a time of turmoil at ETW HQ. I awoke from a subtle four hour siesta-resta to an overwhelming feeling of Grumpitation. It was as though a shadow-shaped cloud of iniquity had formed on the ceiling of my domicile. Mounting pressure from the earth-reverberating nature of my earlier snores had interacted with the IniquiCloud, resulting in a torrential reign (get it? rain/reign? no, don't lie. you didn't get it.) of Worthlessness. Now, being professional LessNessers at ETW HQ, we have sensors for that kind of thing. We just ignore them. So I took those feelings of grumpitudinal restless energy and I gently stitched them into a beautiful quilt of video game RAGE against the Joker in Lego Batman. Oh, yeah, and then I put on some shoes to go out for the night. I don't exactly put a whole lot of time into My Personal Appearance.

CUT TO: THE CAR, BARTIME.

As I noted to BoyFriend, the Hipsteria Life 5-0h have again struck. My trusted parking spots exactly between BarOfChoice and ETW HQ were apparently recently identified as TOO convenient a situation. They have, as a result, been appropriated by Hipsteria for no more reason than that I loved them. Sure, they ARE right in front of a church, and yes, MAYBE, it's because they've been doing a little construction. MAYBE. But in reality by taking away my legal parking spots, they force me to park in the church parking lot, illegally. And here I'm thinking, okay they do not have midnight services because it's not a Catholic Church, and I'll be gone way before morning service, so who am I hurting? They're people of God, right? They won't pray for white doves to crap on my car, or some equally distressing event.

Wrong. The church tows people.

CHURCH: that sign you have on the door, the huge banner that says "ALL ARE WELCOME"? Yeah, you should change that to "ALL WHO HAVE ALTERNATE PARKING ARE ALLOWED INSIDE, WHITE-DOVE CRAP FREE." and then a smaller sign, "we reserve the right to refuse parking to anyone...signed, God." Thanks. Really, no. Thank YOU.

On to the evening.

Upon emerging from BoyFriend's ridiculous Sable that doesn't believe it has an air conditioner (yet endearing because it affords a disgusting amount of leg room), BoyFriend at once realized that a co-nemesis from his days in JesusSchoolForScandal was lurking in God's Lot around vehicular sin wagons. Immediately he greeted the fiend, who responded not verbally but with a pointed more-than-glance at my rack, recently enlarged by Charmed.

BoyFriend: He's staring at your tits.

ThaFlapper: I know! I'm enjoying it!

BoyFriend: You don't mind that he's oggling you?

ThaFlapper: BoyFriend, I've got, like, 7 years left where it's temporally possible for me to be whistle worthy without marrying Ashton Kutcher. I fucking love that he's staring at my tits. He can come to BarOfChoice with us and stare at my tits all night, and I would buy him drinks while he did it.

BoyFriend: (homo erectus grunt) Let's just walk to where the liquor lives.

And that we did. We met up with HeWhoShallNotBeFramed and PrincessSparkleSequins to listen to fat people sing and thin people breathe loud. I even did a Little Gladys Knight, complete with two Pips that I recruited. Yet the night was not glorified for all...

PrincessSparkleSequins: It is killing me how fucking attractive *name omitted* is.

ThaFlapper: I wouldn't kick him out of bed. But I wouldn't invite him in, either.

HeWhoShallNotBeFramed: Are we talking about me?

ThaFlapper: No, why don't you go outside and hustle tourists for Baby Asprin money, fiend!

HeWhoShallNotBeFramed: Good idea. Daddy's startin' to get the itch.

PrincessSparkleSequins: Flap, I gotta come out with you more often.

ThaFlapper: PrincessSparkleSequins, I can tolerate you without any physical flu symptoms!

PrincessSparkleSequins: Is that supposed to be a good thing?

ThaFlapper: The highest praise I can give ovaries.

PrincessSparkleSequins: mmmkay. So my question is, how do I seduce *Name Omitted*?

ThaFlapper: First, we must rent a U-Haul. Then we clone his phone. We text his current Raggedy Ann (girlfriend) to meet him somewhere innocuous, like at a biker bar. Then we kidnap her and lock her in the U-haul with enough provisions for 72 hours. We will not physically harm her, but we may leave a boom box that only plays the Jonas Brothers in there with her until she cracks.

PrincessSparkleSequins: Just curious, how much have you thought about this??

ThaFlapper: This is off the top of my head.

PrincessSparkleSequins: Jesus.

ThaFlapper: They say so...

PrincessSparkleSequins: ummm, so back to The Seduction.

ThaFlapper: Right! Then we give him enough rufenol to let us shave that ridiculous facial hair.

PrincessSparkleSequins: What?!?! I love his facial hair. I would lick crumbs out of that facial hair, Flapp, it is sexy.

ThaFlapper: get out. get out of my Bar.

PrincessSparkleSequins: What? Why?

ThaFlapper: That is just the most unsanitary thing I've ever heard. You may stay until after HeWhoShallNotBeFramed sings Beat It. Then you must go.

PrincessSparkleSequins: What if I get the next round?

ThaFlapper: I will take that under advisement.

PrincessSparkleSequins: Two rounds?

ThaFlapper: You may be seated.

And finally, a thank you to the strip clubs that the Jackson 5 used to sing at. You made the world a better place.

-ThaFlapper

Sociopathology is like Forensics for Freaks!

2009-06-24T23:33:00.000-03:00

So, a few things today.

I am getting old, for serious. My body just no longer works like a young person's does. I feel like Matthew Perry in that movie, the one where he's dealing with getting older and stuff. (Yes, all of them.) So, I'm not an alcoholic or anything, but baby can handle her hooch. So last week I wasn't even drunk-drunk and the next morning I woke up with the 7th worst hangover of my life, 4th worst if only U.S. hangovers count. Why does this happen? Why are TheGods punishing me? How have I O-fended? How may I make amends?

NeverMind. I don't really care. (cracks beer)

Anyways, last night BoyFriend and HeWhoShallNotBeFramed came out with me to BarOfChoice.

It was, of course, karaoke night. One chick got up and sang some PussyCatDolls song, which naturally got us talking about strippers.

ThaFlapper: BoyFriend, would you still date me if I was a stripper?

BoyFriend: Fuck yeah I would. But I wouldn't come to see you.

ThaFlapper: Why not?

BoyFriend: Because that's friggin disgusting.

ThaFlapper: Private show?

BoyFriend: Only to the Mighty Mouse theme.

ThaFlapper: Awesome. I've always wanted to Be Stripper.

HeWhoShallNotBeFramed: Be a stripper?

ThaFlapper: That, too. But I'd really prefer to just Be Stripper.

BoyFriend: As in, in the adjective sense.

ThaFlapper: Exactly.

BoyFriend: But would you mind if I was a stripper?

ThaFlapper: Kind of.

BoyFriend: Well that's not really fair.

ThaFlapper: Well that's not really accurate. The clubs pay large men to make sure no one touches the girls. If YOU were a stripper, really really gross women at parties playing stupid bachelorette games about penis pasta would have their grubby little penis pasta hands all over you. And you know how I feel about germs.

HeWhoShallNotBeFramed: You guys finished yet?

ThaFlapper: God, I miss Mauve.

BoyFriend: You should have brought that girl we met that's a lesbian.

ThaFlapper: Dude Lesbians have names. You're Nameist, aren't you. You pig. Men are filth. Besides, I only make a new friend-that-is-a-girl once every year or two because I can't tolerate them in general.

BoyFriend: So make friends with the Lesbian we met! I liked her!

ThaFlapper: I liked her, too, but I already decided earlier, I want to make friends with ***** this year! (pouts) You be friends with LadyPicker.

BoyFriend: I can't make friends with LadyPicker, she'll think I'm just trying to be edgy by being one of those guys that has Lesbian friends. I just miss having Lesbian friends.

ThaFlapper: Dude I don't care if you have little Lesbian babies with her, go to town. And no one could mistake you for edgy.

HeWhoShallNotBeFramed: I think I need more Baby Asprin, it's clearly wearing off.

ThaFlapper: No, you're cut off. Baby Asprin's a hell of a drug.

HeWhoShallNotBeFramed: You're one of a kind, you know that?

ThaFlapper: Yes. It makes it A BITCH to try to find insurance.

-ThaFlapper

I am still Feminininally CHALLENGED, DAMNIT! AND IT BETTER STAY THAT WAY!

2009-06-17T19:54:00.005-03:00

Results : WEEK 3 of "The Challenge"

It is three weeks into "The Challenge" to prove that I can sustain the emotional and physical assault of watching all eight seasons of Charmed in two months. You know that scene in Zoolander? The brainwash thing?

Yeah, well I'm starting to want to metaphorically kill the Maylasian Prime Minister.

This is totally messing with my head. I'm three weeks in, and I've watched over 100 episodes. (For serious, I'm on season 5 now) I'm starting to dream about Charmed. Today during my Afternoon Nap I dreamt I was a witch and that I got trapped in a parallel dimension fighting an evil demon in what appeared to be a chinese restaurant. Yesterday I actually flicked my hands like I could freeze time because I got pissed off at Public Transportation. Not because I think I can freeze time, but because I've seen Holly Marie Combs do it more than 100 times now and it looked like it relieved a lot of stress. (It was slightly less satisfying than it appears onscreen) Of course, to mere mortals, it looks like you're about to karate chop them and they freak out a little. Or think you're crazy. Or less than gently throw you off of the downtown bus. Apparently, my freeze karate chop hands were not only weird but more importantly, crossed the line. Literally, the yellow line they get mad if you cross.

I'm totally losing my soul to Charmed. I have to drink beer the whole time I watch just to retain my powers of FlapperNess and not give in to the pull of ThEstrogen. (Also, I've been watching A LOT of charmed, so that's really affected my average weekly beer cost. I've also been kinda drunk, which makes the faces the demons make even funnier. And the feelings "They" love to talk about remain elusive and distant to me. Thank the Flap.)

I will say this: the Dude from Nip/Tuck that's TheSourceofAllEvil on CHARMless is FIERCE. I'm going to catch up on Nip/Tuck now and see if I can maybe dream about him on purpose...DAMN. Oh good, that was rather unfeminine. Good. Hang on to that feeling, Flap. Because it frightens me that I actually recognized a character from Grey's Anatomy on Charmed. (Flap cracks another beer.)

And as for HeWhoShallNotBeFramed, Dude you and I really need to talk. You have set in motion events that may bring about my doom. The consequences are yours to be blamed for. Thus, I re-dub you HeWhoShallNotBeNotBlamed. Oh, god. No, we DON'T need to talk. That's what THEY would do. Nevermind. We Cool.

Conclusion: impacts noted, attempts being made to ward off conversion. Have identified Charmed as Dangerous and Effeminizing. Must Resist. BoyFriend now sort of likes Charmed. Must prevent his further exposure at all costs. Unless his mild interest is just cause they're pretty hot, and then, We Cool.

-ThaFlapper

WHERE I'VE BEEN, WHY IT'S REDEMPTIVE :)

2009-06-10T14:02:00.006-03:00

Yeah, I know. I usually have something innane for you every day. Excuses:

1. School started, my class meets early. I come home and fall asleep immediately. This leaves a lack of interactions with idiots to blog about.

2. "The Challenge"

The Challenge is this: I have been Challenged to The Estrogen Gauntlet, or TEst Get, if you will. I heartily believe it is for The Greater Good of Scientists Everywhere. You see, dear ones, I have been accused by HeWhoShallNotBeFramed of being "totally unfeminine in every fucking way, you dudemonger." Thus, a Challenge was established. The TEst Get consists of watching every episode ever of Charmed (eight seasons) within 2 months to see if it makes me girly, or if I perish in the attempt.

Results (so far) - Week 2 : finishing season 2, initial effects

I have done nothing but sleep, eat, drink, school, and Charmed for the last two weeks and I swear to God my boobs have grown. Man those bitches talk about their feelings a lot. I keep praying for one of the demons to fucking kill them so I don't have to listen to them listening to eachothers ridiculous problems with the menfolk. "I love him but I need to be with myself right now" No. You need to get laid by some strange. That is what you really mean. Stop covering your animalistic instincts and tendencies WITH PSYCHOBABBLE!!! AAARRRRGGHGHG.

Conclusion: No impact thus far, save mammary improvement. At least BoyFriend is stoked.

FlapperOut.

-ThaFlapper

TERMINATOR of the WEEK 2

2009-05-29T22:01:00.002-03:00

Alright, alright. It's here. Friday is here. Since there's no Dollhouse I thought I'd shout out a comedy for this week's TERMINATOR of the WEEK:

FORGETTING SARAH CONNOR

(click for the size you can read)

ARE YOU SERIOUS? Thursday 1

2009-05-28T19:08:00.001-03:00

Today's schedule dictates that I institute *ARE YOU SERIOUS?Thursday* And yeah, I'm friggin serious.

About an hour ago the Associated Press (or shall we offer, The Pressed Associates?) released that Joseph Northington of Roanoke, VA has pled guilty to robbing a South Carolina bank of $4,000 while he was crashing with one of his friends. The best part of this story isn't even that his friend happened to see surveillance photos of his buddy and contacted authorities. No, seriously, that's not the best part. The best part is:

PRIOR TO HIS ARREST, HE ACTUALLY PUT ON HIS MYSPACE PAGE, "ON THA RUN FOR ROBBIN A BANK LOVE ALL OF YALL." YES, HE DID.

Myspace has already deleted his notes, but they did leave up that his last entered current mood was "wanted:)"

I can't make this stuff up.

Now, this isn't mentioned in any of the articles I've read so far, but I went on his myspace page (http://www.myspace.com/joeynorthington) and found this little gem that is the qualifying factor for ARE YOU SERIOUS?Thursday:

"...recently my best friend of 6 years tried to end my life and shot me in the head above my left eye and im still here!! ("so look who's the one still alive and the one thats 6 feet under. KARMA is a bitch MUTHAFUCKA!!!")"

ARE YOU SERIOUS????

I mean getting over the obvious irony of putting "KARMA is a bitch" and then getting arrested because you gave a shout out to your homieZ on myspace, this guy got arrested and is facing 7-life FOR STEALING FRIGGIN' $4,000.

If I may - if you are going to risk incarceration, please, please, please I beg of you, steal more than four grand. Steal a few million. Steal a priceless artwork. Steal something extremely valuable. DO NOT EVEN TRY TO MAKE IT ON THE RUN WITH 4 GRAND. WHAT ARE YOU THINKING. THAT'S NOT EVEN ENOUGH TO BRIBE A BORDER OFFICIAL.

As the denouement, I'd like to point out that Northington's Myspace page also SeZ that he just got out of the army this year and is "FREE AT LAST!." Wow. So, you just got out of the army, and you grabass $4,000 and hightail it out of there? Good going. Now you're rocking. Now you're rolling. Now why don't you go shoot a man in Reno, just to watch him die? There's another great endorsement for the army.

Big Bang Theory Wednesday 1

2009-05-27T10:19:00.000-03:00

In keeping with my new blog schedule, I'm instituting Big Bang Theory Wednesdays. It's New Comic Day, so I'm going to give you an AWESOME clip from The Best Show You Aren't Watching: The Big Bang Theory. I might eventually include some other stuff, but I don't really see the need.

Go buy this show. No, I'm not getting a cut of the merchandising, I just want them to get a few more seasons. So, sign up for Nielson, and then make sure to watch. If you need more enticement, look no further than Jim Parsons' awesomeness that portrays Sheldon Cooper:

If you don't worship this man by episode 1x04, you need to go to your local health practitioner and discuss your options for getting a colonoscopy.

Flapper Out.

-ThaFlapper

The Employee Strikes Back

2009-05-26T06:22:00.007-03:00

A long time ago, like about a week, in a town far far away from Eerie, Indiana,...

It is a dark time for ThaFlapper. Although The Bar has been purchased and incorporated, those Corporate Forces have driven the original Work Force from their base of operations and left them to pursue alternate means of employment across Hipsteria. Evading the dreaded Unemployment Office Case Workers, a group of rent-payers led by Hunger and Fear of Homelessness has established a new secret poker ring in a remote basement with Central Air. The evil lord "The Man," obsessed with keeping ThaFlapper down, has dispatched thousands of drones into the far reaches of Hipsteria to STEAL ALL THE FRACKIN' JOBS BEFORE I COULD APPLY...

Okay, so I'm actually not going to complain about losing my job. The economy's bad, but it could be a lot worse. I still have a roof, and I don't have any brats to feed, so all in all, it ain't s'bad. But I am a Bitcher-by-Nature, so I'm just going to say:

DICK MOVE CORPORATE ASSHOLES!

okay. cool.

In other news, the Day The Bar Stood Still, TooBritToQuit and I decided to frequent our local Chili's while my POS car got washed. Allow me to paint you a verbal picture...

The walls: decored in Early 90's Frack.

The smell: Marlboro Lights, stale.

The staff: marginal

The time: late-mid afternoon.

The food: a little too quick to arrive :)

We certainly made our mark when we entered, casually asking for a table for two and a couple of coloring books. They knew better than to screw with us; they gave us the good crayons, not the stubby one. People can tell a lot about us by our manner of talkin' da talk I suppose. As our waitress skulked over to us, TooBritToQuit began asking questions best left unasked: what's the soup of the day? is that beef broth based? Is there cheese in that? The kind of really asshole stuff vegetarians want to know (kidding, Brit :) ) Moments after the waitress had unscrupulously carded me (I mean, just because I'm coloring I'm not over 21?)....

TooBritToQuit: so I don't understand why people treat me like I'm four when I ask questions.

ThaFlapper: you have a coloring book in front of you.

TooBritToQuit: I do in fact realize that. But it's an intense flower.

ThaFlapper: and you're doing just a top notch job staying in the lines, Brit.

TooBritToQuit: much thanks, much thanks.

ThaFlapper: so I think you should have gotten the Potato Soup, since we totally can't have that for free at work tonight [little did we know, we could not...]

TooBritToQuit: Theirs has cheese IN IT. Do you not see how much cooler that is? Ours doesn't have that, how cool is THAT?

ThaFlapper: sorry, I'm not funny this week. I was much funnier last week. I felt sooo funnier last week that by comparison I don't feel funny at all this week.

TooBritToQuit: Don't discriminate against your funny. Besides, you make me feel funny.

ThaFlapper: you mean in your pants?

TooBritToQuit: Was I that obvious?

ThaFlapper: it's okay, you're Brit-ish.

TooBritToQuit: Ew, my sneeze just tasted like Aderol.

ThaFlapper: that blows. get it.

TooBritToQuit: No. explain it to me please.

ThaFlapper: Yeah, I'm not funny this week, huh?

TooBritToQuit: I'm starting to buy into your theory. Oh, did you hear the hysterical song that was on before you came in?

ThaFlapper: I'm going to sit here while you think about that for a minute.

TooBritToQuit: Point? [looks expectant. looks confused.]

ThaFlapper: none whatsoever. What was it?

TooBritToQuit: Oh, I don't know. It was awful. I hope I never know.

ThaFlapper: I can't even decide what to do with that.

TooBritToQuit: I feel violated.

ThaFlapper: Why?

TooBritToQuit: I felt something blowing on top of my head.

ThaFlapper: like a draft?

TooBritToQuit: No, more like a bottle.

ThaFlapper: look, my car's done. You know, we should start a money laundering car wash. Then we could get paid to water fight all day.

TooBritToQuit: Can we call it Popsicle Bob's?

ThaFlapper: only if you never, ever tell me why.

TooBritToQuit's drawing:

-ThaFlapper

LEND ME YOUR FEARS

2009-05-24T16:17:00.002-03:00

Sorry for the lack of rant-ery. Tomorrow I will be back and on point, hopefully after I have found a new job (with me luck). Brand new annoyances, I promise, as soon as I go fill out more job applications.

-ThaFlapper

Overheard at the Bar (Graduation Weekend)

2009-05-22T03:32:00.000-03:00

As a last testament to The Bar, here's Overheard This Weekend:

"God I love me. Hey, why wouldn't anyone come out with us?"

"I just...I just think it's really odd that you have to be up so early."

"He thinks just because he spits, he's safe."

"Is the term 'Bojanglin' ' racist? I feel like I wouldn't say it to a white guy."

"That horse was the only thing that got her through college."

I would also like to note that today my bar closed because the economy sucks. So now, instead of a job, I have these quotes to cling to. God help the newly un-employed.

-ThaFlapper

ACTS OF CIVIL DISOBEDIENCE 2

2009-05-20T18:50:00.000-03:00

click to enlarge

THAT'S IT, I'M GOING POLITICAL ON YOUR ASSES

2009-05-19T00:19:00.008-03:00

I was channel flipping a few moments ago and I happened to catch a bit of the Daily Show on Comedy Central. Stewart was "covering" the reaction to having Obama speak at Notre Dame.

I am seething mad. I am a veritable fucking shit storm of anger right now. I have VERY strong feelings about abortion, and I'm not pretending otherwise. But I also VERY strongly believe that everyone has an undeniable right to their opinions, no matter how deluded or pig-headed they may be. But I think if you're going to cling to your beliefs blindly, at least have the courtesy to actually think about and consider the opposition's views as well, even if only to disagree with them afterward.

So that's just what I'm going to *ATTEMPT* to do.

From what I've read in the news and the video reactions of some of the students (granted this may not represent a majority OR minority of student opinion, but I'm working with what I've got), the issue seems to begin at the conferring of an honorary law degree on Obama in addition to being commencement speaker. Many there think it's contradictory to confer honor to a man who disagrees with the teachings of the Catholic Church. My immediate reaction is of course "baby with the bathwater much?" but I'm going to try and turn the tables in my mind. Notre Dame is a Catholic School, and having a speaker at odds with the general student body about so hot a topic isn't exactly a recipe for harmony. I can understand how people might feel undermined, betrayed, and hate the seeming hypocrisy of the situation. I really can. I can even sympathize - but I would try to keep in mind that abortion is only one issue in a sea of politics, and at least attempt to discern his message. In any case, that seems more a debate about whether Obama should have been invited to begin with if so many were opposed, not something to be taken out on him for accepting. At least the man is brave enough to face his peers, supporters or otherwise.

What I'm not sure I can understand is the violence and scope dissenters have reacted with. The attacks are personal, as though Obama himself performed every abortion in America. Why is it so personal? That's the crux of the issue to me. The people who are exhibiting the most hatred are confusing the head of government's signature on a document with the decision every woman that considers abortion makes. President Obama does not go door to door encouraging abortions; yet the attacks on him at Notre Dame would suggest that he invented the procedure himself. This is an issue I have always had with extreme public display of religion: I find it hard to separate their politics from their beliefs; personal politics and personal belief are not necessarily identical. For instance, whether I believe abortion should be an option for women DOES NOT MEAN THAT I WOULD HAVE ONE MYSELF.

I do not think the vilification of one man in the eyes of the Catholic Church addresses the problem at hand; no amount of blood-covered dolls in strollers at a protest educates teens about safe-sex, or prevents rape, or offers counseling to scared parents-to be, or helps with adoption services - in short, stroller protests teach hate and fear, rather than compassion and understanding. Furthermore, isn't there a story about casting the first stone that's pretty popular with the Catholic community? There is absolutely nothing wrong with being against abortion; but I do feel there is something fundamentally wrong with the extreme measures taken at Notre Dame to get a message across. And while of course Notre Dame does not represent the entire body of Catholics, it also does not reflect well on the rest.

Furthermore, in the battle for an answer to the question of abortion's legality, no argument has been more based in compassion than that of the sanctity of human life. THAT message is one of ethics, morality, conscience - not based solely in a religious belief, but in a belief that mankind cannot be in good standing with itself as a race if life is not taken seriously. I believe Bishop D'arcy of South Bend has that in mind when he wrote this:

"President Obama has recently reaffirmed, and has now placed in public policy, his long-stated unwillingness to hold human life as sacred."

Again, my first reaction to that comment was mind-blowing rage at it's audacity and extreme finger-pointing. But if I step out of my own mindset, and really think it over, I am left with the impression that Bishop D'Arcy truly believes that abortion is wrong, evil, and murder. His beliefs may differ from mine, but they are entirely valid. What I cannot overlook is his ambivalence to the human condition itself. He oversteps in purporting that because Obama recognizes a legal right to abortion, he therefore has no respect for life. Is he not a husband? A father? A man? Did I miss the news the day Obama was revealed to be an apathetic shell of skin that lacked any heart? In so drastically disparaging President Obama, Bishop D'arcy shows an amazing lack of both tact and compassion, and at least in my eyes diminishes the effect of his own argument. But on the other hand, he believes with great fervor in his convictions. I just find them directed at far too small a target.

But at least D'arcy I can understand, and believe him to be sincere if inappropriate. The real "hero" of Sunday was Rev. Norman Weslin, a priest that runs an abortion protest group. Protesters were warned in advance that while any demonstrations in South Bend would be tolerated, actually setting foot on school grounds would result in arrest. DESPITE this, Weslin and 20 others attempted just that; (***DISCLAIMER: I would like to point out that NOT ONE of the fanatics arrested was an ND student. Apparently the youth of America, even the Catholic youth, is the voice of reason - and capable of restraint.) Weslin had the nerve to express surprise as security restrained him:

"Why are you arresting a priest for trying to stop the killing of a baby? You've got it all backward."

Oh no. Oh no, he didn't. No he did not. Okay, I can't be impartial about this. Obama was absolutely right when he said not to demonize what you consider the opposition, because their beliefs come from a good place, too - but this? It's far too innane and ludicrous to merit my attempt to FATHOM THE MYRIAD OF WAYS IN WHICH THAT WILL NEVER EVER MAKE SENSE EVER.

DO YOU REALLY BELIEVE THAT'S WHY YOU'RE BEING ARRESTED? DO YOU? SERIOUSLY? YOU DON'T THINK MAYBE IT'S BECAUSE YOU DID EXACTLY WHAT THEY TOLD YOU NOT TO DO, AND HAD FAIR WARNING OF THE POTENTIAL CONSEQUENCE????

Are we secretly at an Ozzy Osbourne concert? Is Obama on stage biting the head of a baby? Did I miss the part where Control defined your mission parameters, and you personally were made responsible for ensuring that President Obama doesn't murder any babies while in South Bend? DO YOU ACTUALLY BELIEVE HE PERSONALLY KILLS BABIES?

IF YOU DO, YOU ARE THE ONE WHO HAS IT ALL BACKWARD.

If you truly believe Obama is personally at fault, what the hell do you think of the actual women who get abortions? What happened to their agency in your mind? Or is Obama a demon that puts them under abort-a-spells, depriving them of free will?

And that brings me to my biggest point: free will. Sure, we can theorize about when human life begins, and the sanctity of life until the Greenhouse Effect renders California a little less of a problem (geographically speaking). But why are all the "life is precious" spokespeople ignoring the life that ISN'T being debated? If life is sacred, how can you support the use of force against another of god's creatures? How do you rationalize telling an unwilling woman that she has no choice, she's having that baby, because you think the baby's life is precious enough to respect, but not her free will? Doesn't she matter, too?

This is why there will never be a good answer. Because one side's answer will always be an ultimatum that doesn't cover exceptions. If all abortions are legal, we run into the morality of terminating nearly fully developed babies late in pregnancy. If all abortions are illegal, we run into different moral ground regarding rape victims who are unwillingly pregnant. There's NO GOOD ANSWER except compassion. Compassion for the beliefs of both sides. What WILL NOT HELP is violence and extremism. Abortion is a hard decision for any woman, one that does not deserve to be persecuted. You cannot pick and choose which people your arguments encompass; if all life is sacred, then you cannot advocate virtually enslaving a woman to the trauma of unwanted pregnancy. You cannot use God's will as a weapon in your argument if you seek legal means of eradicating abortion. Likewise, who among us can decide what is and what isn't good cause, or who does and who doesn't deserve life and free will? No one. Abortion is not a question that can ever have a good answer. But we can keep it a moral debate and not a violent catastrophe if we just pause, lay down our arms (or strollers, in this case) and recognize that the problem is NOT any one man, any one woman, or any one baby. It is a complex matter that refuses to be simply solved.

With that, I'd just like to conclude by pointing out the extraordinary backbone Obama showed. He accepted a hostile invitation. He directly addressed the issue at hand, rather than ignoring protesters and hecklers. He was calm and gracious in the face of extreme protest, so much so that the students booed a heckler and actually applauded Obama when he continued on despite this saying "we're not going to shy away from things that are uncomfortable" (3:15-4:15). Talk about winning over a crowd:

-ThaFlapper

TERMINATOR of the WEEK

2009-05-17T19:39:00.006-03:00

So I watched Terminator last night for the first time in about ten years to catch up before Salvation. THAT SHIT IS HI-STERICAL. IT's hySTERILEcle, even. It merits a seperate post called "The Evolution of James Cameron," so don't worry, that iz DEF going to happen. In the mean time, I'm going to do a FAUX FOE of the week. This week's FAUX FOE isssss.... Frank the Rabbit from Donnie Darko, Terminator Style.

Terminator: End of Days

He's rabbit. He's rabid. And he's going to kill you if you DON'T come with him.

28 days, 6 hours, 42 minutes and 12 seconds

-ThaFlapper

ACTS OF CIVIL DISOBEDIENCE 1

2009-05-16T19:23:00.003-03:00

The Phone Charger Discrepancy

2009-05-16T17:41:00.002-03:00

After a laborious week of not being able to get a hold of TooBritToQuit due to the loss of her phone charger, we have finally re-established communication possibility. Since everyone else on staff partook of the decades-old Beach Week tradition, we covered the majority of shifts at the bar in the last week, except of course for my two day foray to the Gardens of Busch with the Mauve PIMP-er-nell. Since we normally carpool to work, this lack of cell phonage became particularly unamusing. But TooBritToQuit held out. She would not be swayed by my ranting and raving, nor by my screams to "JUST FUCKING GO TO BEST BUY ALREADY YOU TWAT." She resisted even the force of ThaFlapper, and for that, even through my annoyance, she must be applauded. Until yesterday, that is, when she broke down.

Now you may call it karma, you may call it chance, you may call nature's retribution for our appalling habits of waiting until there are literally no articles of clothing left in our closet to do laundry, but today she found her old phone charger in the bottom of the laundry basket. Yes, we've all been there; you wait to purchase more cords, assuming you'll find what you've misplaced. When that doesn't pan out, you buy anew, and inevitably then find the old. And then you realize you haven't done laundry for over a month. And then you shower. Twice. CUE CAPTAIN REVELATION!

-ThaFlapper

I prefer the landscapes to be stagnant

2009-05-15T20:35:00.003-03:00

This week's ROD (yes, this WEEK's rant of the DAY) is by yours truly.

"I am so fucking tired of background sluts. I cannot express this enough. These stupid bitches that somehow are always in your peripheral vision, both literally and metaphorically, coming around hitting on your guy friends and thinking that a drunken hook-up is going to land them a boyfriend or offset their daddy issues. I just can't keep track of you anymore, I'm sorry. It's a losing battle. There are just too many of you coming and going for me to keep straight, so from now on, I'm just going to call all of you "AMIE" because most of your names end in cute-sy ie's or y's anyway. It's not that I hate you all, I'm sure some of you are lovely people. You're just trying to seem dumb or meek or something, I just don't get it. Whatever, not the point. The point is, STOP CALLING ME CRYING BECAUSE MY SELF-PROFESSED ASSHOLE FRIENDS DON'T RETURN YOUR FACEBOOK FRIENDINGS AND TEXT MESSAGES. I DO NOT KNOW YOU AT ALL, SO STOP EXPECTING THAT JUST BECAUSE I'M A GIRL THAT HANGS OUT WITH WHOEVER YOU'RE CURRENTLY EXCAVATING THAT I WILL SYMPATHIZE. I TOTALLY DO NOT CARE.

whew, that's a little better. But I swear to god the next time you call me, "amie," I will give you bad advice on purpose, possibly give you the Rejection Hotline number on their behalf, and/or hang up on you. HOW DID YOU EVEN GET MY NUMBER ANYWAY????"

-ThaFlapper

P.S. Got a ROD? Want to get it off your chest? email theflapperofinadequacy@gmail.com

You Heard The Man!

2009-05-15T19:59:00.003-03:00

allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="445" height="364">

I am so happy that we live in an age where Morgan Freeman can travel back to 1973 and advertise

for Listerine! I don't know about you, but when the guy who plays God tells me to Listerine twice a

day, I'm gonna frackin' do it.

-ThaFlapper

Last Night From Text

2009-05-14T17:35:00.003-03:00

You may have heard of Text From Last Night.

I thought I'd try Last Night From Text, where I try to figure out what the hell I did last night based on my unique system of self-information.

For instance, "Mongaloid shot warquote" on my iphone most likely means that last night I was drinking shots of Jaegarmeister while watching the Fifth Element. When I called around to confirm this, I was told by more than one credible source that I ran around the house shouting, "MULTI-PASS! MULTI-PASS!" and then answering myself with, "YEAH, YEAH, SHE KNOWS IT'S A MULTIPASS!"

I am a Golden God - 1/1

Other fascinating examples include:

"leg, my joust" - in which Flapper later learns some friends brought over a keg to her house

"nexgen bullshit comped" - this one actually makes sense to me and I'm sober (now). I was texting a friend that Next Generation was bullshit compared to the new Star Trek. However, I believe in STTNG, it was a childhood fav. But it did NOT have my sexyass Sylar in it talking logic....oh baby...i need a moment.

"recycle face" - oh, that was a good one. I realized about half way through the night I happened to be out with all vegetarians, so I started taking it to the face and then harassing everyone about how they may be vegetarians, but if they don't recycle then there won't be anywhere for the cute little meat bags to live anymore. I went into some graphic details about the slaughter houses. It almost made me want to be vegetarian, but then I ordered a steak and it was soooooo delicious

"treefittie" - now this one has never been fully explained. It could be a myriad of things: my bar tab that night, the fact that we were watching that South Park episode, that I had girl scout cookies in my freezer, or even referencing that several people don't believe that they owe me money (they do). I like to think that even when drunk (or possibly because), I somehow saw the thread of connection running between all these explanations and used "treefittie" to encompass the collective events, understanding that a balancing force was at work in the world, struggling to create harmony in a universe of constant discord.

or i was just really fucked up.

What are YOUR last night from texts?

-ThaFlapper

The Gardens of Busch

2009-05-13T19:10:00.005-03:00

Alas, ThaFlapper has a confession:

The Mauve PIMP-er-nell and I drank of beer not owned by Anheiser Busch during our tenure in Williamsburg, VA. We feel really really bad about it. Like seriously. We feel as though we have contaminated the purity of the Gardens. And we're really conscientious people, so that shit sits with us. Hard.

Anyway, after that we drove by a French Restaurant bitching about the trip and then somehow we were referencing salmon croquettes:

ThaFlapper: this trip is stupid, let's just fuck it -

The Mauve PIMP-er-nell: no, salmon FOCKETT!! FOCKETT!

ThaFlapper: no...Frenchman Nicholas FOCKETT!!

The Mauve PIMP-er-nell: the Radio City Music Hall FOCKETTES!!

ThaFlapper: FARRAH FOCKETT!!!

The Mauve PIMP-er-nell: oh wow. oh wow. that's just - epic.

ThaFlapper: the epic-osity is indeed high. can you prevail?

The Mauve PIMP-er-nell: (groans)

ThaFlapper: CAN YOU BEST ME, MAUVE??

The Mauve PIMP-er-nell: erg...fail.

ThaFlapper: THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!!!!!

-ThaFlapper

The Campusfood Soliloquy

2009-05-13T15:15:00.005-03:00

Open Apology to the Fine People at Campusfood:

I have abused you. In my times of hungers, I have manipulated your technology to ensure that chinese food would be at my house in a prompt manner with as little human contact as possible. I have bombarded you with the addresses of friends and various credit card numbers to ensure maximum variety of locations for dining; I have clogged your system with so many numbers.

Oh, Campusfood, how can I ever make recompense? Should I selfishly continue to use you, even now that I am technically not a student any longer? Can I justify my own needs before your mission statement? Alas, can I bear to be without you? Can I survive in a world where I must cook - and god forbid clean - for myself? How I need you. How I want you. How I feel ridiculous when I use you to order food and then get so hungry waiting for it that I end up having a snack before it gets here...

I must be strong.

I must let you go.

I must move on...

to Delivery.com.

-ThaFlapper

Introducing.... The Mauve PIMP-er-nell!!!

2009-05-11T11:56:00.007-03:00

So my best dude-friend, The Mauve PIMP-er-nell, has agreed to Be Worthlesss with me. Instead of going to Beach Week and getting wasted, we thought it would be vastly more entertaining to go ride rollercoasters courtesy of Anheiser Busch!

But then, "Jesus"** took the wheel so to speak. We randomly picked a bar off a list of bars in town on the enternet (think about it) and we happened to stumble upon The Mauve PIMP-er-nell's friends from back home!!! Then we began taking Jaegar shots and Jello Shots and drinking Southern Tier (itz 11% bitchz) and got properly formatted in the mental sense. That IZ the greatest bar in America, No Doubt in my mind. I maybe should have closed my tab though.

One thing being on the Road has taught me: Jack Kerouac in no way should have been driving himself.

Today, we move on to Busch Gardens!! We're going to get hammered, ride coasters, mock mullets, frighten small Mormons, and generally have the best Beach We- wait, no, Busch Week, ever!!!

Also, when we woke up this morning I utterred, "A+ Southern Tier"

The Mauve PIMP-er-nell: "Why are we friends"

ThaFlapper: "no one makes you laugh like I do"

The Mauve PIMP-er-nell: "fact."

-ThaFlapper

You Know You're a Barwench in a Hipster Town When...

2009-05-10T11:47:00.008-03:00

TooBritToQuit rant on Hipsters:

"I really just hate them. They're rude and obnoxious and think they're better than everyone else because they read Pitchfork, but they're not. SO WHAT? YOU CAN WRITE A HAIKU AND QUOTE NARUDA? DOES THAT MAKE YOU FRIENDS? FRIENDS THAT DON'T SUCK? I CAN QUOTE VONNEGUT BITCHES, AND IT'S CAUSE I LIKE HIM, NOT BECAUSE I THINK I'M SUPPOSED TO OR TOLD TO BY PITCHFORK!! I just want to kick their asses, and you know what, I'm not a tiny little bitchboy who wears a smaller size in girls jeans than dakota fanning, so I'm thinking I could wipe them out pretty fucking quick."

And with that, this weeks ROD (rant of the day...yes, this "weeks" rant of the "day") is complete. When will YOU get your ROD on?

-ThaFlapper

P.S. I would like to openly apologize to TooBritToQuit for ordering a Veggie Burrito - with chicken - to piss off her Vegetarian Sympathies. Her rant has redeemed her.

8 Simple Rules For Pimping My Life

2009-05-09T13:03:00.017-03:00

Today, I was opening the bar thinking about what career I would really enjoy. And, seeing as I'm not in a state that allows stripping without pasties (what's the point, really?), I think I'd like to be a pimp. Pimptress, whatever, get technical, I don't care. Then, I discovered Pimp School. That's right, online pimpitude.

I think a lot of me wanting to become a pimp stems from my complete distrust of the female species (not gender...it's not the same.) and inability to foster any sort of friendship with women who aren't TooBritToQuit or Lil'Flapper (you'll meet her soon.) Somehow, it just makes the idea of pimping less real.

My reality checks instead are presented by an unlikely source; Michael Jackson and R.Kelly.

Also, church freaks me out:

That being said, let's take a look at what my PimpLife (wow, that sure beats Second Life) would be like.

Step One: Look like a Pimp.

Seeing as I'm not putting the Asian in Caucasian, this could be a problem. I mean, if my meatbolism starts slowing down in my thirties, I don't want to end up like this:

So how do I ensure I'm SupaFly, even when I die (or, I should say, corporeally "blown away"?)

Easy. I bought FatActress on DVD. Now I'm Scared Skinny.

Now, for the threads: SofMor is the way to go, I think. Keepin' it classy, while still being assy. Step One, u be dun!!

Step Two: Talk Like a Pimp

"Alright. So you've got the voice down. Time to learn the 10 sentences you will ever need to know as a pimp. The only things you will ever need to say as a pimp are:

"It is my duty to please that booty."
"Hello, sweet thang."
"Bitch, you know what I want."
"Where's my money?"
"Let's do it. Doggy Style."
"Who's your daddy?"
"Hi, My name's John and I'm an alcoholic"
"Say what? You're a nun?"
"Word."
"Baby, if you were a booger, I'd pick you first."

Good. Say each one of these ten times each. Then have an ice cream sandwhich to celebrate. You're ready for step 3."

Okay, I've reworked a few phrases to suit-up my personal needs:

"Hi My Name's ThaFlapper, and I'm an alcoholic. BITCH GET ME A 40!!!"

"Say what? You're a monk?"

And I've taken the liberty of adding, "No, but you can have one of my bitches"

I feel sooooo ready for this. Step Two, u be thru!

Step Three: Drive a Pimp Car

So I don't imagine my Volvo POS is going to work. Luckily, last night at the Pier I met these awesome, really nice guys that made me a trade offer. I didn't even consider it at the time, but now that I need a PimpMoBed, I might reconsider. Don't they look like upstanding gentlemen? I love the color scheme:

It'll be perfect! A match made in McHeaven. I even got some great Pink Dice!

Step Three, u be ready!

Step four: get yourself a hoe

As luck would have it, three minutes after I posted a Hoe notice on Craigslist, MeLuvUGarden contacted me! She said she'd get me a classic hoe for only $20, satisfaction guaranteed!!! I'm so excited!

Pimp school says steps five through eight are for establishing flair, and most of them involve grabbing boobies and fighting. Now, I can already fight like a pimp and dance like a pimp because I took Musical Theater Tap Dance - the moves are like, the same except for use of a cane with a diamond, or without. And I'm a pimptress, so I ain't grabbin no boobies. IM ROCKING THEM!

Now that I'm a pimp, I gotta tell you - it feels good. Even though I'm publicly still just a barmaid, I have sense of self-fulfillment now...like I know that it would no longer be inappropriate for me to bitch-slap customers, or encourage women to be slutty in the bathroom with strangers. And I don't really feel like I need to tip-out anymore; THESE BITCHES BE TIPPIN ME OUT!

Yeah, it's Pimpin Time. I'll holla atchall later, I gotsa hit up my curb and get them Bennies. Word.

-ThaFlapper

Hipster Emo-priations.

2009-05-09T12:39:00.007-03:00

I'm getting really, really tired of everyone who's backing this "Save Dollhouse!" campaign. Yes, Dollhouse is awesome. Yes, it should be saved. But the fanbase hasn't figured out yet that the only viewers that get factored in to the live ratings ARE PEOPLE ON THE NIELSON SURVEY. WHY IS EVERYONE A TWAT BUT ME? That's why the DVR ratings should be counted higher into networks' estimation. Because when YOU PUT A SHOW ON THE FRIDAY NIGHT SLOT, OF COURSE EVERYONE IS GOING TO FUCKING DVR IT. It's really amazing that the show's live ratings are what they are!

So, Dolls, if you want to help the live ratings, sign up to be a Nielson house and STOP ANNOYING US WITH YOUR INANITY.

Jesus.

P.S. hysterical clip

-ThaFlapper

Opaque Sobriety

2009-05-08T10:49:00.005-03:00

I CANNOT BELIEVE I FAILED TO NOTICE THIS AT STAR TREK LAST NIGHT:

wait, yes, I can. We went to the bar first, then back to the bar after.

I swear to God, I bet the guy who Green-lit this is the guy who thought of adding different clips to the end of Wolverine. That guy IS SO FRAKIN AWESOME!!!! I mean, I don't know about you, but when I was twelve I wasn't into Barbies, those were for bitches. I LOVED ME SOME GI JOE.

Is it hot in here? (quiver).

God, that guy is awesome. I'm going to send him some socks. Cool ones.

If you're confused:

MISSSSSSSSSSSSTTTTERRRRRRR ECCCCHHHOOOOOOOOOO YES!

-ThaFlapper

I'm losing my grip...Can I Borrow a Vice?

2009-05-08T09:21:00.001-03:00

Yesterday, I meant to post this:

"Soooo today is my last day of college.

I'm apparently supposed to be feeling excitement, fear, and happiness. And yeah, I got some of those. But mostly I just want to want to see Star Trek and get fucked up with my two favorite boys"

AND GUESS WHAT?

I DID!

And then I found out I'm one credit short of graduating. haha so I'm technically still in school.

So, back to Star Trek. I grew up watching Next Generation, not the movies, so I wasn't prepared for the AWESOMENESS that is the original characters. All I can tell you is, even if you're a FanBoy and you believe in canon, and the time-travel plot bugged you because it makes remakes of the original stories totally impossible (which I think is smart.), and you're not a Heroes fan who quivers everytime you here the word "Syyyyllllllaaaarrrr" : IT HURT SO GOOD. I actually nearly chewed off my knuckles. And I'm sorry but who saw Ahura and SPOCK being the hottest thing ever coming? HOLY SHIT I'M GOING BACK TO SEE IT AGAIN TODAY.

Who knows, maybe I'll go sober?

hahaha that's funny.

-ThaFlapper

Microsoft(ly) Eggs-hale

2009-05-06T10:48:00.008-03:00

ThaFlapper: guess what I'm going to do today

TooBritToQuit: qua?

ThaFlapper: Nothing!!

TooBritToQuit: again? aren't you tired of that

ThaFlapper: I thought you knew me.

TooBritToQuit: obviously, I jest

ThaFlapper: oh good, I thought I was going to have to go on FriendFinder. again.

TooBritToQuit: no! never! that thing eats your soul like palmolive on hot dogs

ThaFlapper: my thoughts eggs-actly.

TooBritToQuit: remember Clerks?

ThaFlapper: I'm not even supposed to be here today.

TooBritToQuit: we ought to become teachers so we can hang out in mini-marts and do weird shit

ThaFlapper: um, we do that already

TooBritToQuit: oh, I know. What I meant to add was "and not look insane"

ThaFlapper: but we still would look insane

TooBritToQuit: do you have a point?

ThaFlapper: no, but I have a match

TooBritToQuit: bring it bitch!

ThaFlapper: ack, I forgot, I quit smoking

TooBritToQuit: you're a smock-tease

ThaFlapper: pardon vous?

TooBritToQuit: i needed something smoke-related to sound more like cock-tease to achieve maximum relatability

ThaFlapper: fail.

TooBritToQuit: butthead.

ThaFlapper: filter-jilter

TooBritToQuit: dragqueen

ThaFlapper: bum.

TooBritToQuit: Phillip Whorris.

ThaFlapper: Camel-toe.

TooBritToQuit: i hate you

ThaFlapper: love-love. set point.

TooBritToQuit: oooh that reminds me, Lost is on tonight.

ThaFlapper: is it weird that I totally see how you got there.

TooBritToQuit: only if you're not planning on watching Lost tonight.

ThaFlapper: ohmygod, bite your tongue off.

TooBritToQuit: sawwwwyyyyyyyeeeeerrr

ThaFlapper: gasm.

TooBritToQuit: x2

ThaFlapper: good movie!!!

TooBritToQuit: why do you have to make everything about comics?

ThaFlapper: because sometimes my life isn't entertaining enough to fixate on by itself.

TooBritToQuit: just sometimes?

ThaFlapper: i hate that you know me.

TooBritToQuit: like OJ's glove, baby.

-ThaFlapper

The Pliancy of Art History

2009-05-05T12:09:00.003-03:00

Alas, today is my LAST first Final Exam. I realized yesterday that I flipped the dates of my two Art History courses' exams, only one of which had an allotted time for a make up should a conflict arise. Once I realized, I emailed my instructor who had these kind words of wisdom:

"Although I an accommodating sort of person, when the choice is between my inconvenience and someone else's inconvenience, I always opt for someone else's."

Wow. Oscar Wilde is just SHAKING for fear of this guy's literary debut.

Cheers, Prof.

-ThaFlapper

WHAT DICTATOR ARE YOU?

2009-05-04T23:33:00.002-03:00

WHAT DICTATOR I AM:

I mean, like I'm surprised. I'm only surprised that only 10% of people got that answer. THAT's messed up. I already knew I was corrupt, I just thought everyone else was too. I think maybe I hate people 10% of the time when I shouldn't.

Nah. Everyone sucks.

-ThaFlapper

The Grapes of WorthlessNess

2009-05-04T22:52:00.006-03:00

Send my your photos of worthlessNess, winner gets to feel Worthless (email me at theflapperofinadequacy@gmail.com)

To start us off:

Honestly. Who buys canned red salmon?

2009-05-04T02:11:00.005-03:00

So I've determined the following:

I Hate Everyone and Everything about Everyone.
I began the day in fine form, enjoying my new favorite game "Roswell Fantasy", which is where I play final fantasy while I watch Roswell.

I was put in such a good mood that I wore my voodoo t-shirt out in public.

But then this fucking assclownstriss at the grocery store reminded me how much I really do hate everyone and everything about everyone. I grabbed three cases of beer and went to the 15 Items or less counter. I couldn't put them down because this old hag whose skin looked depleated by morality was taking her items - more than 15, I might add - out of the cart one at a time, and carefully placing them down as I stand with a third my weight in beer in my arms trying not to drop everything. She takes no notice of the fact that she's preventing me from setting anything down by her careful arrangement of oatbran and canned red salmon array. When she FINALLY gets everything out and moves a little down the aisle I heave everything down just before I lose it all. Instead of noticing this, and apologizing for being a selfish hag, she glances at my beer and looks at me with sort of the same look Nikki gives everything on Big Love. I mean the woman screamed "Debauchee!" with her eyes. Now, as flattering as that is to me really, I cannot believe that anyone so judgmental cannot see their own hypocrisy.

It's FINE to be judgmental. I recommend it. But UNDERSTAND THAT YOU ARE FALLIBLE, TOO, IDIOTS!

Especially if you are a leather-faced bitch who probably thinks an orgasm is that warmth that spreads through your stomach when you eat your fucking OatBran.

God I hate everyone.

-ThaFlapper

Can You Pluck Your Eyebrows with Tweeners?

2009-05-04T02:06:00.005-03:00

My New Theory:

There is no one. Right now, I am 22. and 1/2. I was sitting at the bar at work last night looking around at all the bottom feeders and it was like a tidal wave of awareness and understanding spread through me.

As I was cleaning off a table these guys were arguing about what you call a number system with three variables. They were arguing that two variables would be binary, but what would three be? I looked over my shoulder and said "Tertiary" and they went dead silent. Then all of the sudden they want to talk to me, because here's this fucking barmaid who can't know anything, right? And she just schooled us. Wow, she must be cool.

Now keeping that story in mind, later around last call this dumb fucking drunkasstris was screaming - and I mean, Mariah Carey "Sweet, Sweet Fantasy" upper-octave-possibly-imaginable screams - for this guy to "OH MY GOD LIKE JUST GO, JUST LIKE GO AWAY YOU KNOW? JUST LIKE GO?" but then the second he got up to go, she squeaks out, "where are you going?"

Now these two events alone are innocuous enough. But their powers combined formed Captain Revelation.

I realized that unfortunately, I am just old enough to find boyish behavior distasteful - and just young enough to be made uncomfortable by truly adult behavior. This means that I have only one option:

The Man-Boy. That's right Jon Favreau fans, I am in my own equivalent of the Man Boy phase. I am too old to put up with this shit anymore, and no longer find it charming...but I'm not ready to "party" with the 9-5ers yet.

I'm just gonna be stuck for a little while.

That's okay. I like Vegas, Baby, It's So Money.

-ThaFlapper

ToreInt

2009-05-04T02:05:00.004-03:00

So I'm downloading movies that I actually own.

Want to know why?

BECAUSE I'M TOO LAZY TO WALK TO THE DVD PLAYER.

Yeah. New low.

-ThaFlapper

So Yeah...Welcome to My Quarterlife Crisis

2009-05-04T01:58:00.005-03:00

I'm 22 and a Half-Worthless. I'm graduating from college, and I have no foreseeable prospects.

Even if there WERE a job I could stand, some asshole who didn't have any fun in college but has a perfect GPA is gonna get it before me.

So, hi my name is ****, I'm in my Early Twenties, and I am FUCKED.

If you want to watch/read my downward spiral, or comment on your own - or hell, just comment on anything - feel free. Rant away. But I warn you: anything you put on here, I have the right to mock the hell out of. Because let's face it - I HAVE NOTHING BETTER TO DO.

So what do you do when you don't have a future? Apparently, you let other people trash your present.

Fire Away

-ThaFlapper

IF YOU'RE NEW HERE IN EarlyTwentiesWorthlessNess HQ

2009-04-29T18:19:00.001-03:00

So, for new visitors, this is just a cast of characters that frequently pop up at ETW, some terminology, and some random facts to help ease your transition into the world of The Flapper (me.)

People of whom you may Hear:

ThaFlapper: that's me. I'm done with college recently, the bar I work at closed, my strongest relationship besides with BoyFriend is with this laptop, I tend to hate women, and I apparently lack any feminine qualities. I hate everything, but get much humor out of that hatred.

TooBritToQuit: my British friend from TheBar. One of the few women who have ThaFlapper SealOfApproval.

TheMauvePIMP-er-nell: my best friend from Hipsteria. We like to have crazy adventures, usually where I'm his wingman at Hooters. Or some such scheme where I tried to get him laid.

BoyFriend: you should be able to figure that one out. BoyFriend.

HeWhoShallNotBeFramed: a good friend of mine. We take him out to BarOfChoice every week to get him drunk so he forgets about his BabyAsprin addiction.

Places of which you will find mention:

Hipsteria: that's where I live. It's a college town that lots of Hipsters live in. Constant warfare between Townies and Collegiates has left the landscapes scarred by graffiti, copies of Pitchfork, and popped collars. We one day hope to make peace, but also know hopes are for silly little girls in tutus who walk barefoot in chemical yards.

BarOfChoice: where the liquor lives. My favorite bar in Hipsteria.

Things referenced occasionally

ETW: EarlyTwentiesWorthlessNess. get with it.

ETW HQ: headquarters of the worthless.

TheChallenge: That's where you're allowed to challenge me to do something nail-biting, like watch all 8 seasons of Charmed in 2 months to see if it makes me girly. Yeah, it didn't.

Acts of Civil Disobedience: funny pictures of riots and/or crowds being ridiculous.

ARE YOU SERIOUS?Thursday: funny news stories with a WorthlessNess spin.

BigBangTheory Wednesday: funny clips from the show, or comic themed.

ROD: rant of the day, that only happens once a week.

Now, sit back, pour a shot of arsenic, make sure the volume's down, and see if you can stomach me!